I just recently got back from a much-needed vacation. I went down to Tennessee (Dollywood, Graceland, etc.), so I'll post more on that later.
When I got home, Rich and I were part of this comedy thing (for Pot Psychology) in Brooklyn at which Sarah Silverman performed! You can read about that here.
I haven't washed my hair in four days. It smells like french fries and it has taken on some properties of pipe cleaners in that when I bend it a certain way, it stays. Toward the end of the work day today, I looked in the mirror and realized that I look like Gilbert's girlfriend Judy from Revenge of the Nerds.
I need to start bathing more often.
I know I haven't been posting so much lately, but that's because I have this new job that's sort of draining my brain. I'm beginning to get the hang of it there, and I'm starting to figure out how to structure my days so that I'm able to actually have a life away from my computer and TV, so more frequent posts are on the horizon here. But if you're missing me right now, then go visit Jezebel, my new nine to five (or seven to seven, on many days). There aren't any personal stories of mine there (that's what this space is still for) but there's plenty of sex, celeb, pop culture and fashion news to take in on the days when this site is bare.
Cokane (red shirt) had a going away BBQ on Saturday because she's moving to the deep south this week. It was bittersweet—we had a lot of fun and laughed really hard, but we're all gonna miss her a lot. It sort of marks an end of an era. Everyone's moving away, or moving in with with BFs, or getting married. Everyone's growing up. Well, actually, not everyone. Drunky Brewster's Calisha Jenkins (far left) and Dana (the chick on the ground) are holding it down. I've never told you guys about Dana before. All I have to say is: Don't threaten her with a good time.
I just realized that today is the one-year anniversary of my first post on this site. Yay! It's been a pretty good year. Aside from using this blog to air my dirty panties, I've managed to procure some work and a little bit of press from it. Take a trip down memory lane and read my first evs post. Thanks to everyone who's been reading, haters and appreciators alike (but more to the appreciators, obvs).
Of all the salacious artifacts cataloged on parisexposed.com (currently suffering from injunctivitis), this is by far my favorite.
From left to right we have an ailing senior citizen receiving oxygen, Nicole Richie, Michael Jackson, Paris and Nicky Hilton. Kudos to Nicky and her tanning bed efforts. Her skin is 16 shades darker than either of the two black people in this photo.
After the jump, the runners-up—photos of a drug kit and a naked Cisco Adler.
As a boozin’, boy-crazy, scantily-clad eighth grader at Degrassi Junior High, Stephanie Kaye is the epitome of a school slut.
She exhibited a lot of classic, ammoral, whorey behavior like showing skin, trading sexual favors for votes to get elected as class president, and inviting boys over when her mom wouldn’t be home.
She had some stiff competition for her slut superlative title, considering that Spike got knocked up. It takes a lot to beat out a 13-year-old pregnant girl as your school’s biggest ho. But Spike wasn’t really a slut. She accidentally entered herself into the running. She was just an idiot kid who made three major mistakes in her young life by 1.) getting knocked up after only having sex once; 2.) not aborting the fetus; and 3.) that hair.
Stephanie, on the other hand, went out of her way to be a slut. She deliberately made the wrong choices, because she knew it would be more fun that way.
I just began reading The Dirt by Mötley Crüe, and although I’m only a few chapters into it, I find myself relating, you know, to the sex and booze and drugs. But I also can relate to the descriptions of the Mötley House, where Tommy, Vince and Nikki were living when they were first starting out.
Until last week, for the past few months—while in between apartments—I’d been living with the band Drunky Brewster.
This is the band:
This is their crib:
And these are their house rules:
1. If your dick ain't working, bet your mouth still is! (It ain't gonna lick itself."
2. Don't stop til you geterdun! (Or the lady doth protest.)
3. Just 'cause you made it in here doesn't mean we're gonna fuck you. We may just wanna smoke your weed.
The rules are actually framed and hanging on the wall.
God, remember the dark ages when our young, unwed starlets pretended to be virgins? Thankfully, those days are gone. In the new issue of Elle, 20-year-old Lindsay Lohan tells us how she likes it.
"If I'm going to give my body to someone, I'd rather them not be with other people, but I want to be able to (date) if I like someone else."
I think LiLo's honesty about sex and relationships is a much better example for girls her age than the unrealistic claims that Britney and Jessica used to spew. The experience you gain from numerous partners will make you less likely to be a single mom to some wigger's babies or have a very publicly failed marriage by the time you're 25.
Chaste makes waste, girls. Enjoy your vadge, and let others enjoy it as well.
Everybody loves Scarlett Johansson. (Well, except for one person.) She’s beautiful, has a sexy voice, doesn’t believe in monogamy, and will take in a lapdance on special occasions. And not only does she have pretty good taste in acting projects, she also has pretty good taste in Ds. And she uses everything she’s got to get what she wants—particularly those tig ol’ bitties, which she lovingly refers to as her “girls.”
And her girls like to party all the time. Of course, there’s her rumored love in an elevator with rugged sexican Benicio Del Toro, and her ill-fated romance with Jordan Catalano, but there are a number of other dudes she’s been linked to, making her D list quite impressive for a girl of 21.
I know my taste in sluts can run a little faggy, but I can’t help it—Barbra Streisand is a great slut.
My beach read this week has been the unauthorized bio Barbra: The Way She Is. She hates the book, mainly because it reveals what a fucking controlling bitch she is. But it also reveals juicy details of Babs’s love life. Turns out “the nose” knows how to get laid—and what an impressive list of conquests it is!
Take a look at all the feathers in her sexual cap:
Ryan O’Neal
Elvis Presley (during his comeback)
Jon Peters
Elliot Gould (husband #1 and father of her son Jason)
James Brolin (husband #2)
Omar Sharif
Sydney Chaplin (Charlie’s son)
Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau
Kris Kristofferson
Warren Beaty
Dodi Al Fayed
Richard Gere
Don Johnson
Jon Voight
Andre Agassi
Peter Jennings
Baskin-Robbins heir Richard Baskin
And maybe Bill Clinton. (Hillary is said to be very jealous of Barbra.)
The funny thing is, that all of her lovers share the same opinion—they were completely mesmerized by her sex appeal. Prince Charles has had a well-known, life-long crush on her. Barbra jokes that she should have paid more attention to him, because then she would have been the first real Jewish princess. Funny lady, indeed!
Last week, an eBay auction surfaced (which has since been removed) for an original reel of a 1960s stag film featuring Barbra performing a number of different sex acts. The item description read:
"The film is very clear and filmed in a sort of intimate setting, with some scenes taking place on a couch.The male CO-STAR is unknown to me. The actress/singers' face is VERY CLEAR in many scenes, as are her very recognizable hands, though this appears to be before she grew her nails so long."
It’s not really Barbra. Besides, she’s had those well-manicured nails since her early teens when she was a student at the esteemed Erasmus High in Brooklyn. Also, Barbra became a nightclub singing sensation in the West Village when she was just 18, and began her Broadway career in 1961. She had already achieved a modicum of fame and fortune at that point, so she didn’t need porno to bolster her career or pocketbook.
When the bogus reel first surfaced in 1979, Babs and her then BF, hairdresser Jon Peters, screened the film at home. Her only response was, “That girl doesn’t look anything like me. For one thing, I was really skinny when I was that age.”
Howevs, Barbra did film a real nude scene when she played a quirky hooker in The Owl and the Pussycat. At her insistance, it was left out of the film, but some lucky sucker picked up the footage off the cutting room floor.
Riding on the coattails of the stag film controversy in 1979, High Society published the topless images of Barbra, and she threw a fit. She filed a $5 million lawsuit against the hardcore mag’s publisher, Gloria Leonard. She dropped the suit when Leonard agreed to send out telegrams to wholesalers asking them to remove the images from each issue, and tape over language that Barbra found offensive.
The text in the table of contents read:
“Class act, class ass: Barbra Streisand nude.” The only word she wanted removed was “nude.” She’s known to be proud of her tuchis. It's kinda nice though, right?
What a slut!
When I grow up I wanna be like Janice Dickinson. I want to turn 51 three years in a row. I want my heart to survive the copious cocaine binges. I want a multi-book deal. I want to be better at being a gay man than gay men.I want the ability to convince myself and others that I am, in fact sober because prescribed medication doesn't count. I want a license to be rude to Tyra Banks's face whenever I want.
And speaking of licenses, I want mine to look like this:
I could really go on and on, for there are many things that I love about Janice Dickinson. But there's only one reason why I respect her—she's my favorite slut that ever existed. Here's why:
She's the oldest slut to stay hot.
With the help of cosmetic surgery, of course. The lady's had so many face lifts that she's pretty much talking out of her labia at this point.
She's a slut's slut.
You know how there are those hot girls that only ever spread their legs to get fucked by rich dinosaurs? Those girls are often mistaken as sluts, but technically, they're just whores. Janice, on the other hand, has always taken advantage of her looks to bang guys she thinks are hot, for rich or for poor, because her vagina, not her wallet, needed to be filled. On her new show The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Janice has, on more than one occasion, expressed sexual interest in garbage men. But don't get me wrong. She still knows which side her bread is buttered on. Which brings me to my next point.
She's a smart slut.
When she wasn't sure who had fertilized one of her pickled eggs, Jan tried to pin her illegitimate child on the wealthiest man last slept with (Sylvester Stallone). And she woulda got away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling paternity test.
She's a gynocologically-conscience slut.
When Wendy Williams asked Janice if she'd had vaginoplasty or if she would ever get it, Jan seemed confused but then said, “Vaginas, well, I think vaginal anything is great.” I hear that.
She's a chatty slut.
Janice is a total kiss-and-tell, a quality I also possess. She unabashedly brags about her conquests (in her books, on TV, or to anyone who will listen) the way that men brag about theirs. And she should. She has some pretty impressive notches on her bedpost. She's repeatedly used the joke that she'd "need an accounting firm to add up all the lovers I've had." Well, I'm no CPA, but I am a certified public bitch, so here's a list of tail that Janice has supplied in interviews and in her three sex-and-booze soaked books. Notice that she doesn't just take One D at a Time, but makes room for the C's as well.
Warren Beaty (who she says looked at himself in the mirror the whole time)
Mick Jagger
Keith Richards
Liam Neeson (who apparently has a giant D)
Bruce Willis (who she accidentally fucked before he was famous, mistaking him for Dan Akroyd's brother)
Sly Stallone
Kelly Lebrock
Dolph Lundgren (the Russian boxer from Rocky IV)
Grace Jones
Jack Nicholson
JFK Jr.
Frank Zappa
Jon Lovitz (who apparently, whether the thought turns your stomach or not, also has a big D)
Prince Albert
John Cusack
And lastly, the man who sired her first born was none other than the guy who produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie
I know that I'm well on my way in slut achievement, but still, I'll keep my fingers crossed and my legs spread in hopes of living up to the star-studded slut that is Janice Dickinson. But until then, I suppose I'll fake it till I make it.
Normally, I reserve my slut appreciation for ladies I actually find cool. What with the yodeling, wonky teeth, and that sob story of having lived in a car, I didn’t just find Jewel Kilcher uncool, I found her down right offensive—especially her music. (I loathe non-dick induced gag reflexes.)
But today, when I read a Page Six item citing some of her comments from a recent Blender interview, I was forced to re-evaluate my stance. In case you were wondering who will say-eee-ave Jewel's soul, it turns out it’s the sauce.
“Around 30, I kind of realized that alcohol really does solve all your problems,” she said. “Whoever said drinking doesn't help lied.”
A girl after my own heart! And here I thought Lindsay Lohan was my only kindred spirit.
Now that we know she’s an awesome booze-y slut, it really puts some of her previous, seemingly irksome, behavior into a better perspective. Like when she got all Paris Hilton-esque with the release of 0304, replete with long extensions, a lapdog companion, and her own personal discovery that she had fabulous breasts.
In the video for the album's single, “Intuition," Jewel engaged in a wet T-shirt, boobie segment. In the mid-‘90s she was banging Sean Penn, and got him to direct her breakthrough video, even though he was co-habitating/breeding with Robin Wright. (After they broke up, Sean returned to Robin, and agreed to unbasterdize his children by marrying her.) Also, her current BF is Ty Murray, a former rodeo star. You just know that they have some crazy-ass buck-and-ride bedroom sessions!
So let’s raise our shot glasses to Jewel, lick it, suck it, then slam it (and don’t forget to swallow). She’s come a long way, and we’re proud of her journey from boho hobo to plain ol' ho!
By banging a multitude of dudes, the only void I’m trying to fill is the one between my legs. I promise you. But still, people’s attitudes toward women and sex are about as old and musty as a matured hooker’s vagina.
It’s weird, considering the popularity of something like Sex and the City. The outlandish sexcapades and locker room banter of the show’s shopping-bag swingers struck a chord with so many regular, unfabulous, suburban single women, proving that ultimately, the Cathys and Carries of this world aren’t all that different.
But still, a girl who unabashedly talks about her sex life is regarded in the same way as the notion that a freelance writer could stuff her Manhattan co-op with Manolo Blahniks—it’s a fairytale. It doesn’t really happen. It’s just not…normal. Or is it?
I couldn’t help but wonder—just kidding! I’m not about to analyze any of the shit I post. That’s soooo boring. I just want a place to revel in a girl’s innocent desire to be sinful.
That said, I love a loose woman. Not because of what she does, but because of why she does it. She’s being herself. And we all know there isn’t anything wrong with that.
