Putting a Face to a Crime

When I saw the police photo of Rihanna taken after Chris Brown (allegedly) attacked her, I said, "Oh shit" out loud. I work from home, alone, on the internet all day. When I think something's funny, I don't laugh. I type "haha" or "lol" into iChat. When something pisses me off, makes me sad, excites me, confuses me; my emotions and my reactions to them remain equally virtual. But my response to Rihanna's injuries was visceral. And I immediately recognized the value in that.

My mind is in my laptop for long stretches of time, which causes a disconnect—from my own body and others. It results in desensitization and, more importantly, a lack of face-to-face human interaction. After a while, you forget how you got there, and why you never mind to stay. Facing Rihanna's bruises humanized the situation for me. I no longer felt disconnected.

I was late to the party on the whole pre-Grammy altercation, due to a self-imposed exile to Mexico in an attempt to escape from relationship problems of my own. With no internet, television or tabloids, I didn't even hear about it until several days later, at which point, I didn't care. I thought it was just some more celebrity bullshit and purposely didn't read any reports or gossip on it, assuming they'd be speculative, inaccurate, and invasive of something that seemed to be a private matter, believing that nobody really knows what goes on within a relationship unless they're one of the two people in it.

I hate the idea of jumping to the automatic conclusion that women are either victims or potential victims. It implies that we're weak, unable to take care of ourselves, and need men to protect us from…men? Without knowing any factual details or the extent of either parties' injuries (beyond conjecture)—and knowing my own behavior when fighting—I didn't want to assume that Chris Brown was evil and that Rihanna was completely innocent, which I'm sure that some people did, based solely on gender. I particularly didn't want to do that, so long as Rihanna wasn't saying much about it.

But, you know what they say about what a picture says…

Because I fuck up so much and so frequently, I'm big on forgiveness. I find it hard to hold things against people, seeing redemption as a necessary process of self-improvement. It's just as important that we're held accountable for our actions, but there's a sense of futility in changing yourself for the better if people are only willing to see the worst in you.

In the past, I've experienced both sides of this. The same weekend that Rihanna was attacked, I was experiencing both sides at once. I got in a huge, retarded fight with my fiancé—that he started—and in a few hours, molehills evolved into mountains. He said horrible things in what felt like an attempt to destroy me. My anger, stubborn nature, and refusal to be broken caused me to want to break something of his. After he left, and refused to speak to me, I neeed to do something to communicate how unfair he was being. So I took his electric guitar that he left at my house, put it in the tub, and proceeded to urinate on it every time I had to pee over the course of that night. I had my period, so it was extra destructive and stinky. The guitar, of course, is ruined.

Thinking that everything else was ruined, I woke up and bought a plane ticket to Mexico for later that day. I spent the rest of the week alone in the sun. It was what I needed. And for the most part I enjoyed it, but it sucked not having anyone to put sunscreen on my back.

Straddling the positions of being offended and the offender in our fight, I was naturally on the fence about whether or not to forgive him for the things he said. But in the end, there was no way that I couldn't, especially because his apologies were sincere. And it was nice to return home with the reassurance that no matter where I go in life, this person will always have my back.

My stubbornness, petulance, lack of obligation toward the happiness of others, aversion to personal shame, and reluctance to admit that I'm ever wrong are my my biggest flaws. Obviously, these are all defense mechanisms, and I realize they aren't exactly endearing, as far as character traits go, and they're particularly not appreciated in women. What I didn't realize until recently was how instrumental those "flaws" have been to my safety and self-esteem. It turns out that my shortcomings are also my source of strength. Isn't it ironic, don't cha think?

Being this way seems so natural to me, that it's easy to forget that not all young women are equipped with the same resolve to establish how they deserve to be treated, or to even recognize when they're being abused. And this is why I think that—despite the fact that TMZ's intentions are anything but honorable, and that a victim's privacy was most definitely violated—it's beneficial for as many women to see that photo as possible, to familiarize themselves it. The more aware they are about the details of abuse, the easier it will be for them to recognize it in their own lives.

It's important for everyone to see this, and know that it is not OK. Because I have a feeling that some people don't.

Comments

[Kim]

I was equally disturbed by the picture. I read the discussion on Jezebel and I can't say I agree with most of those people. While it sucks that it happened to her and that she's in the public eye, I sort of expected that the picture would come out sooner or later.

Here's what Rhianna's dad said about it:

Her dad adds, "It's good and it's bad to see the picture because there's other people who were thinking differently, that [Rihanna's injuries] may not be that bad, just a little spank or a little thing."

I think that in Hollywood things tend to get glossed over and shoved under the rug before any huge scandal can erupt. I'm glad that this is so visible (not that it happened, but that it's not getting shoved under the rug) and I'm sure it'll help countless women who are not so visible.

[Kim]

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/rihanna-dad-its-good-and-its-bad-to-see-the-picture

The interview with Rhianna's dad.

[gluegungeisha]

ah the old guitar trick. got mad at my ex and threw his computer down a flight of stairs.
he ended up hitting me and breaking into my house, and i ended up salvaging all his memory!ha!

[M]

PLEASE have a long engagement. It gets harder, not easier, once you get married. If it's so hard now, that's not a good sign.

[erica]

Your fiance sounds like an asshole.

[Jess]

Your fiance sounds like somebody you want to marry, if he's your fiance. You sound like you know what's good and bad in a relationship. I am sure you will both be very happy.

[Haley]

I don't think I could have put it better myself. Even though everyone knows "it could happen to anyone," many of us do not seem to understand that it "can happen to anyone."

[Monkey]

Interesting thoughts.
I do not agree that the picture should be shown. While these are famous people, this is a private matter. The release of the picture was meant to tantalize, not educate. However, I do agree with you that there are many people- as comments on websites this week have proven- that do not think this is a problem.

Can a picture help change that idea? I imagine if violence in relationships did not bother someone, they have probably seen violence in the flesh. If a bloody, crying loved one does not move you to reject violence as an answer, I question whether this image will.

[Jane]

The photos of Rihanna are shocking, and Tracie I understand your point about them helping women to recognize when they are being abused, but I'm terribly afraid that you are missing something very important.

When a man has inflicted bruises and cuts on a woman's face, then there is no more obvious sign that she has been abused. Surely women in physically abusive relationships don't need to see photos of Rihanna to realize that this is abuse.

The real problem is what usually happens afterwards. He apologises. He sounds so sincere. He promises it will never happen again, that he loves her SO much, that whatever happens he will always be there for her. She is reminded of her behaviour in the situation - she was stubborn, she just wouldn't let it go, she might have said or done something extreme herself that she feels ashamed of. She feels that in some way she contributed to the situation, and her own behaviour was not exemplary. She feels compelled to forgive him, to give him another chance, because after all, she is no angel either.

Sound familiar?

Not all abuse leaves physical marks. Emotional abuse is just as damaging. And when someone under sustained emotional attack responds in an extreme and dramatic way, it is an understandable reaction to a situation of extreme stress.

http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

Tracie, PLEASE read the above link. If, while reading it, you feel a terrible sinking feeling of recognition, don't ignore it. A man doesn't need to display every single behaviour on the list to qualify as an abuser.

If, after reading it, you find yourself making excuses or justifying any of your fiance's behaviour that is on this list, PLEASE stop and be honest with yourself. Remember this obvious thing that sometimes we forget: NONE of us are perfect. We all have flaws. But no one, no one deserves to be subjected to emotional abuse.

My own assumption that I was too intelligent, strong and forthright to be in an abusive relationship blinded me to reality. I just could not accept what was really happening. He did not fit the full profile - he left no physical marks on me, was not jealous, didn't control me financially. I thought of abused women as timid victims, but I certainly wasn't timid, and I refused to be a victim.

I was abused. I had two children to this man before it got bad enough for me to get out. The arguments were just the beginning. But even at that stage, there is a big difference between a regular heated argument and an argument with an abusive man. Those are the ones that make you feel like you are going crazy. Like you have just been attacked, but you aren't sure why or even what the argument was really about. Like your head and your heart have been pummelled so bad you want to smash stuff, even though you're a pacifist.

I have been a casual reader of Jezebel and your blog since just before you became engaged. I know that you are resistant to people presuming to know what is happening inside someone else's relationship. It's true, no one can really understand. But it's also true that with objectivity comes clarity. People who have been where you are now can read those signs, which are very obvious, and they have been warning you for good reason.

Listen to your instincts. If you felt that he was trying to destroy you during that argument, it is very probable that you were correct.

[Whitney]

Tracie
I havent commented in a while. I loved this piece and I love the vulnerability of it, of your writing.

Love from London

[Em]

I smashed my fiance's banjo. I feel ya.

[I]

At first I was like, "Alright, SM is going to be single again, here's my chance!". And then I got to the part about the guitar and I hesitated a little. But don't worry though, I still have a crush on you.

[Joe]

You pissed and menstruated on his guitar because he pissed you off?

Whoa ... I hope this guy runs.

[Emily H.]

I think it can be good for people to see a picture like this, because it makes the issue less abstract -- you hear a phrase like "facial contusions" & it doesn't necessarily convey how painful that experience might be. Also, when they printed the photo, Gawker pointed out that it's likely to "further destroy" Brown's career, & that asshole deserves it.

[dude]

Dump this loser. He doesn't have .05% of the self esteem you require. I know some people who cling more to a relationship as it gets worse and it's probably the most boring thing ever.

[Lish]

Good piece Tracie. Unless Rhianna didn't want the photo to be public, I see no shame or wrongdoing in seeing it. It should bring about awareness and more of a human connection. As far as your situation, only you know if it was a balls out fight or something more. Taking off to Mexico has been a fantasy of mine througout the years of dealing with an alcoholic partner. But I don't have the guts. Signed- jealous of your balls and tan~

[kat]

i have never even considered peeing on a guitar. that is such a great idea, so thanks for adding that to my arsenal of weird reactions.

i think i agree with you on the release of the photo. i think what it proves is that it happens to the every-woman and it happens to the ones in the spotlight too. it sheds light on the reality of the world.

i hope, i sincerely hope, she doesn't take chris brown back- the tabloids are all saying she's still in love with him and whatnot- because she will only pon de replay the situation.
that's probably was not an appropriate thing to put there, but i couldn't stop it.

[prestocaro]

Glad to see you are back! I read Jez as a result of reading your blog and was sure that a-hole Denton had something to do with your break. Irrational speculation, I dooz it.
Anywhoo, I thought I was the only one who vengefully urinated on stuff! I peed on the bitchy girls dorm floor a few times in college. I hated those bitches. Did you do the creepy chuckle-while-pissing? I know I did.
I realize this counts for almost nothing, but whether you're with him or not, and only you can decide, you have my undying support and literary adoration. I missed your writing like whoa when you were gone. Wishing you nothing but the best!

[Elizabeth Curran]

Sharon Osbourne pissed in Ozzy Osbourne's suitcase because he was shagging a prostitute.

[Vagina Drum]

Maybe it's because I am not the pillar of sanity, but the fact that you coated his guitar in urine and menstrual blood makes you my new hero (Sorry Jesus).

I find it so amusing that people are so comfortable with criticizing you/your fiance when simply put...shit happens. This isn't high school. You don't up and leave someone just because they said they didn't like your Dr. Pepper flavored Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.

[silly dee]

hey tracie. i think your right that we need to realize the serious of domestic abuse. BUT everybody keeps jumping on everybody's back who ever says the dreaded phrase "there's 2 sides to every story". and obviuosly his side isn't denial of the incident. hes obviuosly DEAD WRONG!!!. but he obviously needs help too. i feel sorry for rihanna and for chris too because i seriously doubt that he thinks that this is okay or fulfilling. lets not put him with ike turner quite yet. what he did was horrible! horrible! but ive hurt some people out of rage and pint up issues ive been dealing with. because im a girl people are more willing to accept that it comes from some emotional trauma. this has come from a place in him that exploded. and not only does he now have to live with the shame of it happening and deal with all of his problems, he has to face a public who will undoubtedly turn on him in an attempt to make a statement about domestic violence. a statement that needs to be made about domestic violence is that yes it is never right... but EVERYONE involved will suffer emotionally from what transpired.i'm not taking sides and im not excusing him either. im just saying that we shouldnt characterize him as evil because he needs help and i hope he gets it.

[silly dee]

and oh yeah.... i missed you!

[angiepangie]

Wow. I can't believe how your retaliated. I think I'm going to go vomit now. That's really one of the most demented, disgusting things I've ever heard.

[fgh]

Yeah, and my boyfriend thinks *I'm* messed up and need help because i broke one of his CDs in half when I was mad at him!

[nik]

damn girl. thanks for this. i appreciate your insights into the whole horrible situation and was wondering if you would eventually do a post about it.

and the guitar thing? awful, yet probably one of the most hilarious and/or creative things i have ever heard. the menstrual blood was a beautiful touch. haha.

you rule. hope mexico was bitchin and everything you needed it to be.

[ellen]

how cool that you would go to mexico by yourself. i've been thinking about doing something like that - thanks for more inspiration!

[Ramona]

This is really, really, awesomely good writing. I recently discovered you via Jezebel. I know you already know you're saying important things here, but just in case one more voice matters . . . this is really good. Please keep going.

[b]

"My stubbornness, petulance, lack of obligation toward the happiness of others, aversion to personal shame, and reluctance to admit that I'm ever wrong are my my biggest flaws. Obviously, these are all defense mechanisms"

Uh..no; some of those individually might be defense mechanisms,but altogether they indicate sociopathy. Boy are you one clueless "retard". If you were less of a malignant person, i would feel sorry for you after reading your sum-up last line of this post,instead of it provoking schandenfreude.

[pingilitis]

i had a similar thought process when i first started getting e-mails about this story. i was like, "well, let me see what chris brown looks like before i start campaigning to go lorena bobbit on his ass." i'm of the school of thought that always believed whitney was the one beating bobbi's ass, for the most part. i digress. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i do think there is a difference between couples that have physical fights with each-other (fucked up nonetheless) and spousal abuse. but, chris brown didn't end up in the er that night. rihanna's injuries illustrate something far more horrific. beyond the "in the heat of the moment",1950's, film noir misogynist slap across the face, and subsequent make-out sesh.

look, i chose to post the photo as well in a knee-jerk effort to silence the douche-bags that keep saying rihanna must have done SOMETHING to be attacked. unfortch-- i'm pretty sure the apologists are still singing the same tune. perhaps it's preaching to the chior, but i know the impact seeing the photo had on me. i can honestly say, as an admitted chronic voyeur, seeing some larger than life pop star in this state did not titillate even a little bit. it made me get in touch with a friend, a "real-life person" existing beyond my computer screen, who is currently in a similar predicament. i wanted to make sure she was OK. i just wanted to let her know i hadn't forgotten about her, and that no matter how many times she's gone back, or goes back, i'll still be there to whenever she finally decides to leave.

[SMC]

Feminism means: being able to urinate on anything you want.

[almiepie]

"My stubbornness, petulance, lack of obligation toward the happiness of others, aversion to personal shame, and reluctance to admit that I'm ever wrong are my my biggest flaws. Obviously, these are all defense mechanisms" these things make you me hero.

[Nelly Yuki]

Tracie, I second the please have a long engagement comment. I know I'm in no position to tell you any suggestions or advice because I'm still in college and not even legal, but its obvious that more time till the wedding date is necessary in your case. The picture was highly disturbing, and though we may never know what led Chris Brown to do this, it does serve as a powerful statement.

[Molly Kooks]

Also, I know I'm not the only one who's been wondering about this, but what's the deal with the hiatus on Pot Psychology and your lack of posts on Jezebel?

[Lionheart]

Tracie:

(a) I love you.

(b) I love you.

(c) Here's why:

I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for two years when I was in college. We broke up in November 2006, and my life went to shit: I was a borderline alcoholic, depressed, and non functional. I started reading online blogs (because I wasn't leaving bed for days on end, and was just smoking and drinking)...and came across yours. I don't even remember how. But I became addicted, and seeing someone who was funny, self-deprecating, smart, and interesting write about their life gave me a lot of hope for my future.

This entry is the one that speaks to me the most of all, and I think it's incredible. Everyone does things that they're not proud of and that indicate some dark facet of their character; "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and all that other religious bullshit -- but there's some truth to it, too.

You are a beautiful human being, and I love reading your updates. Keep being fantastic!

[Jessica]

You know, I don't want to say that Rihanna "should" do this, or "shouldn't" do that -- this is a very personal decision that unfortunately became public, regardless of her wishes or intentions. If she chooses not to press charges, or chooses not to talk about it, it's her choice and I respect it. But despite that, I *hope* that she nails his ass to the wall, and uses this opportunity to speak out against domestic violence.

Also, the people saying "have a long engagement" because "marriage changes everything" need to piss off. Sure, marriage can change everything -- if you're a couple teenagers who had a shotgun wedding. But if you're mature adults who've lived together, had a partnership, and lived through ups and downs, it really doesn't change much at all - except the added tax benefits.

Besides -- I can't speak for Tracie, but I'm a writer, and when I write, it's usually about something emotional. Sometimes it's happiness; more often it's guitar-pissing levels of rage. Does that mean there aren't all sorts of great things about one's relationship and/or life? No; it just means that I only had the gumption (not to mention writing material) to blog after some of the particularly unfortunate stuff.

[AD]

So I dig the honesty of your writing, and would like to pretend to not be interested in your home life and relationships, but from what you've shared here and in previous entries...wow...why are you and this man even getting married?

[soozey]

Great writing. If everyone wrote publicly and honestly about what goes on in a relationship, we'd all be pretty embarrassed. Thanks for taking one for the team, and being so candid.
Also, I read some liveblog on Jezebel from the Oscars, you are so much wittier--well I don't want to compare. You should be one of those people who get paid to "punch up" boring tv and movie scripts and make the dialogue funny. Just a thought.

[zoozey]

Oh whatever... admitting to pissing and dripping menstrual on a guitar is hardly some kind of feminist expression. And though not every relationship is perfect, this comes across as shock-value immaturity. Razzie!

[Shon]

fuck that dude (your fiance) ....fuck his stupid guitar...no excuse...dude needs to get cut..

[ctease]

what did he say? no fair to post about certain things in graphic detail (pissing and bleeding on guitar) and then be oh-so-eluvisve about what he said to inspire such an action.

tease.

[Kel]

This piece is great. I'm always impressed with your insight; it's a welcome change from the kneejerk, uptight shit I'm used to reading (ie, you're too good for Jezebel).

[bibs]

Wow, people judge quickly don't they? Do your thing, stay strong, and do what you have to do.

[Lia]

The comments of people advising you to break off your engagement are pretty amusing.

I love when you post and am sad that it's so few and far between, but when you write.. you really let it all out there. Thanks for that. I know your intent is not to inspire anyone and part of me has a sneaking suspicion that you don't even consider how people will feel about it, but shit, I really dig you.

I've been trying (to no avail) to get over someone for the past month or so and god, I would have looooooooved to have gone to Mexico to just clear my head and start anew. It sounds like it did you good. Welcome back. <3

[detail omitted]

What kind of guitar was it?

[chick translator]

"And for the most part I enjoyed it, but it sucked not having anyone to put sunscreen on my back."

this is a shout-out to doubtful boyfriend that she, while away and in severe revenge-mode, did not hook up.

or did she??? dun-dun-dun!

[Danielle]

I almost peed on my husband's computer bag last night! It's the first time something like that ever occurred to me, and then today I read your post and don't feel so perverse for even thinking it.

I've been with my husband for 12 years, and we have done so much in fights during that time that wouldn't pass the test of socially acceptable to even admit to (stripping naked and writing my feelings on my body from head to toe in Sharpie? Sure). You writing so candidly about your relationship and inspiring your commenters to do the same — I can't even put words to how valuable I think that is.

I think many women go through life with deep shame, thinking they and the relationships they stay in are crazy and abnormal. Sure, this is the case sometimes, but "shocking" behavior is far more common than we think, often the product of what I call the wee-hour crazies.

Still, the picture of Rhianna is something different altogether. I was with others when the story came out; withhold judgement, none of us are angels, only they know, etc., but the picture — especially the painful, hurt expression visible even with her eyes closed — brought the line into sharp focus.

[m]

you're a really rad writer. i just wanted to say how much i like your writing.

[haygirlhay]

straight up batshit crazy.

[Lisa]

Today, two of my coworkers were discussing Rihanna, professing how sorry they felt for her, but finished up by saying that since they heard she started the whole thing, why didn't she expect to get hit? Coming from an abusive childhood, I stood there mute. Fucking ridiculous.

[m]

you're a really rad writer. i just wanted to say how much i like your writing.