My Mother's Gay Holiday

I just got off the phone with my mother. Despite her devil-may-care attitude about traffic lights, and her love of Chardonnay on the rocks, she's pretty conservative. One time when I was 14-years-old, I described a pair of shoes in a store window as "Cool as hell," and she turned sharply to me and said, "Watch your mouth. I'm your mother, not your friend."

So when she began her story tonight with, "I just got back from Florida. My friend Joann's gay hairdresser was throwing a 40th birthday party for his gay partner down there, so I went to that with her…" I was all ears.

She began describing what it's like to hang out in a roomful of gay men, as though I'd somehow managed to avoid doing that in the 11 years since I moved to New York. I just started typing as she dictated pretty much:

"There were about 20 gay guys, 2 lesbians and then me and Joann. So imagine that."

"They're very open with their PDAs, the gays. Way more than heterosexuals."

"After the dinner we went to a gay bar called Alibi. It was in a strip mall in Fort Lauderdale. There was another store there called 'Gaymart,' and then another one called 'Out.'"

She told me that when she first walked into the bar, a guy came up to her and asked if she and Joann were a couple. She absolutely scoffed at that, but then said this:

"There were only 5 women in the whole place: Me, Joann, those two lesbians, and then some other random girl just there by herself. I don't know what her deal was."

She obviously doesn't know what it feels like to be the straight girl who got sucked into going to the gay bar…again. Maybe if she did, we'd have a lot more to talk about. The other thing is that I love that in her survival mode of the situation, she quickly came to the conclusion that being a lesbian with a girlfriend was way better than being alone. She went on:

"My eyes were like saucers, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I mean, there were two 50-year-old men making out."

I know that this is indicative of her ignorance, but I'd have to agree with her that I would rather not see two 50-year-old anythings making out in public.

God, I would've loved to be a fly on the wall there, watching her rudely gawk. Especially because she's all about manners and etiquette and thank you cards and farting silently (even though she takes craps with the door open while doing a crossword puzzle in the paper). One guy noticed her staring problem and said to her, "Don't worry, darlin'. Nobody will bite you here."

She seemed offended by his remark but then she said, "I tell you what, though, the gay men at the party were fun and cracking jokes and so easy to talk to. But the lesbians…" (She kept saying it like that. Like making sure to make it sound extra lezzzzz.)

"The lesbians…they were scary. There were not fun. Everything was just so serious, and they had no sense of humor."

HA!

"But the gay men, you know, they just love Celine. They'd recently seen her live. And they love Mariah Carey, and Liza and they said, 'Oh, did you know she was back on Broadway?' You know, you can just talk about a lot of stuff with them."

Seriously, mom, I know.

"Then the next day I went to the gay guys' house for a Super Bowl party. You know how the gay guys always have the best of everything? They're house was just gorgeous. And they like to drink! Holy Christ."

It makes me a little sad that it took my mom this long discover a group of people who have the same interests (pop culture, lighting fixtures) and the same tastes (oriental runners, Chardonnay). I'm not sure if she realized just how much this was a window into my own world (minus the part about the Super Bowl party—we only tune in for the half-time shows), but the fact that she called to tell me all about it makes me think she might. At least just a little.

Comments

[Rachael]

I started relating with my mom on a completely different level after she drunk called me for the first time.

Your mom sounds like a peach, Tracie. Get her a gay boyfriend, stat!

[Britni]

I live right by Alibi. And Gaymart. Gaymart is AWESOME.

[Jenny]

My mom is a big fan of the "novel and well decorated gay culture". But only dudes- she thinks being a lesbian is "gross". I once suggested she go out with a woman once to see if she would like it and she looked at me like we were in third grade and I told her to kiss a boy.

[Court]

LOVE IT! I can just imagine how she was there gawking! Hilarious.

[Vagina Drum]

I've been to the kind of gay bars in strip malls...they're a lot like straight bars (down to the neon Beer signs), but instead of inappropriate gropes, I am told that my eyeliner is crooked. I don't know which one I hate more.

[Ash_teej]

Hahaha, my mom has just found her love of "the gays" as well!

Welcome to my world mom, welcome to my world! I love how she insists on saying "my GAY friend: ____" instead of just their name - I believe her last outing with this friend was to the Tina Turner concert where they bought matching T-shirts! <3

[Coco]

hahah I know exactly where in Ft Lauderdale she is talking about. I went to Miami over New Years' with my boyfriend and our gay couple-bffs and they wanted to go to a gay club, looked online, and discovered that Ft L is a GAY MECCA. The Gay Mart your mom was talking about has like 5 gay bars, a clothing store called Tops & Bottoms, a sex store across the street that was still open at 2 am... it was so incredibly gay and fun. At the cheesy gay bar we went to this dude was all by himself dancing with a huge fan that he kept waving around like a maniac.

[Will Radik]

Reading this put a big ol' shit-eating grin on my face. I love it when someone says, "the gays". I don't think it'll ever stop being funny.

[Delia]

I wish my mother would chill with "the gays" more often, perhaps they'd help her fashion sense. As in, help her find one.

[Saggitarius]

'I love him for the narrowness of his jibs.'

[kat]

this is totally reminiscient of my mother.

[Sabina]

Both my parents are kind of like this-- I once had a gay boss, and they tried to get me to invite him to a family party just because they wanted to diversify and have a gay friend. Sigh.

[Amiee]

All my mom's BFFs are lesbians... she's into birdwatching, dog shows, and going to these nature retreats where you hike and talk to trees...In fact she really knows her way around a toolbox and she left Catholicism for one of those progressive churches that accepts everyone. She's never really gotten that all her interests are a little lezzie, rather she believes because she had so many sisters growing up she just bonds with "women-oriented" people. It's adorable.

[Sadie Jane]

I know exactly where this is in Ft. Lauderdale. I noticed this strip in high school, while visiting my grandparents. The funniest part is that one of the gay pride stores has a sign in the window that says "parking in rear." I don't know if it's meant to be a joke or not, but it's hilarious nonetheless.

[deitybox]

This is awesome. My dad and his best friend (a guy) go to movies together a lot at the indie theater, and are always being mistaken for a cute aging couple.