Why I Never Write Here, And Other Things That Are Wrong With Me

I go through phases where I just completely avoid this site. I get caught up in my day job and other freelance stuff, but honestly, I could totally make more time to write here than I have been. The truth is, I've been dealing with something lately that I never really had to before. When I stopped being anonymous, and the people in my life knew that my interactions with them were potential fodder for something I might write, things changed. I began getting requests like, "Please, please don't write about this."

The thing is, no matter what I write, it's never truly about anyone else—it's always about me. (And even when people are shitheads, I still don't name names.) However, when I think it might affect the relationships in my life, or I think the request is super important to a person, I won't write about something they ask me not to, no matter how juicy the subject matter, as with my trip to Peru. I'm not a completely heartless bitch, after all.

Mostly, I respect their wishes because for a long time, I thought (and was told) that this blog is a large part of why my ex-boyfriend and I couldn't make things work, and I wanted to be careful not to similarly destroy other relationships. After we broke up, I was really down on myself, thinking, Christ, if a pornographer can't deal with my crap, who the hell can? Now that I am no longer anonymous, I feared I had screwed myself out of getting fucked ever again, or out of anyone willingly falling in love with me. I had resigned myself to thinking that I'd made my bed, and now I would be sleeping alone in it, for the rest of my whore-y life.

But now I understand that his disdain for what I write/have written was merely a symptom of what was wrong with us, at the core. He said he hated that I wrote about sex with other people, even though the stories—written when we were together—were from past experiences. But when it comes down to it, I think he actually hated himself, and he resented me. His self-hatred is rooted in some crazy body dysmorphia bullshit, a deep depression, and a desire to never be happy. His resent toward me, I feel, is that I'm actually really comfortable with who I am—the good, the bad and the ugly. In fact, the only time in my life that I've ever disliked myself, and had fallen into a severe depression, was when I was with him. Still, it wasn't all bad between us, and my feelings for him run really deep, which is why this breakup has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, emotionally.

I've cycled through the five stages of grief over and over again, until my tears—much like my thoughts about him and us—went from daily, to occasional, to non-existent. When I got home from vacation last month, I made a point to not IM him, call him, text him, just to see what would happen. I never heard a peep. He didn't notice. That was OK, though. I was doing so much better. I realized that almost a month had gone by and I hadn't thought of him at all. But that realization made me sad all over again, so I contacted him.

We had an hour and a half conversation on the phone during which we were both crying, talking about how hard it was to face the fact that two best friends had merely turned into two people who used to know each other. And then he dropped the bomb on me: He was seeing someone else. And he's like super into her. The fucking Kübler-Ross model failed to include the phase of "He's Moved on to Someone Nine Years Younger, with a Less Threatening Job/Education Than You."

Fuck. I always knew that something like this was an eventuality. I mean, I watch Lifetime Original Movies. I know about how my climbing age is supposed to be directly related to my declining desirability as a mate or something. I mean, I don't really buy into that crap so much, but there's at least a grain of truth to it. I just didn't think that shit would begin before I hit 30. With my impending 29th birthday hanging over my head like a guillotine, this was the last thing I needed to learn.

The fact that he's seeing some office assistant who didn't go to college is no shocker. I was the smartest, most educated girl he's ever been with. I was totally not his type at all. I don't have tattoos all over. The only things pierced on my body are my earlobes. I don't dye my hair black. I don't appropriate black culture as an ironic joke while being a rock-only fan. At times, I suspected that he hated my intelligence because I knew how to win every verbal argument we ever had. It was really no contest. I imagine that dealing with someone less complicated is probably a welcomed relief.

But still—and I know how stupid this sounds, TRUST—I can't help but be bothered by the idea that, yeah, I could do the Monday and Tuesday crossword puzzles in circles around his new girlfriend, but that doesn't change the fact that her tits are probably higher than mine. Ugh, I hate that I even just typed that sentence. But it's real. It's what I'm feeling right now.

In a desire to torture myself, my head swirled with questions about how they are together, and if it's anything like how he was with me. Does he still leave his shirt on every time he fucks? (He was ashamed of his back hair.) Did he tell her about the HPV he contracted when he cheated on me? (He swears he didn't cheat, but how is it that his dick magically broke out in warts when he stopped sleeping with me, while I remain HPV-free?) Do they fall asleep in each other's arms on his couch at night while they watch his giant TV? Does he kiss her face all over in the morning while she pretends she's sleeping?

I know it's not healthy to play all of that shit (and more) in my mind, but I think that maybe this is just normal and it's part of the process. For someone who's so insistent upon instant gratification, I'm struggling with the realization that fully getting over this relationship will take some time, mostly because I loved him so completely—genital warts and all.

My ex begged me not to write about any of this. But I really needed to. He was like, "Why can't you just go to therapy!?" And I was like, "And give away my material!?"

Anyway, I'm so over not writing because other people would prefer it that way. Not writing about what happens to me isn't going to make people love me, in the same way that writing about it isn't going to render me unlovable for the rest of my whore-y life.

P.S. I'm a big hypocrite baby. The guy that I'm seeing is 22! (And he has a nice dick.)

Comments

[Kristi]

Tracie --

Please trust this, coming from an old married woman who recently celebrated the 6th anniversary of her 29th b-day, that as we edge closer to 30 we totally start reassessing our lives and start having regrets. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Anyway, although I think your Slut Machine persona is a hoot and I envy your ability to embrace that part of yourself, your post today tells me that under that exterior there's a girl there that loved a boy who broke her heart. Was he The One? No. Dose the fact that he was an insecure shallow asshole make it hurt any less? Of course not.

Have yourself a good cry, if you want, a big glass of wine, and know that smart girls always end up having the last word and the last laugh.

[Kristi]

And uhh...smart girls also sometimes misspell "does"...oops.

[jzzy white]

Maybe if you wrote a book instead, maybe a novel? You aren't constrained by actual facts you won't affect real people, and, like most personal blogs you come off a tad...solipsistic, but you're a good writer.

[reina]

you come to earth alone and you die alone...at least make sure the time you have here is purely for your enjoyment...makes life a picnic. plus those newbies will have to deal with all his psycho bullshit too. nobody changes over night.

[Mrs. Lopez]

Jon Utah...
You said it all...

[agent wasabi]

love this blog. thanks for *coming* back, SM!

[aussieinva]

At 40 with a 7, 4 and 2 year old dating for the first time in 17 years after her ex left her for a admin assistant 10 years younger I can assure you that the gravity envy will only get worse. However I just wanted to say I am dating a 44 year old Latin triathlete with the most amazing body on the planet, he has most amazing skills in bed, both technique and stamina. Is it wrong to admit that just listening to his accent is enough to get me happening, and with my Australian accent it is nice to reciprocate. So life will continue to amaze and shock you, but as always it is what you make of it.

BTW love your curiosity about the world.

[retardataire]

Hello, I am a creepy lurker. I just want to let you know that I went through all this nonsense a few years ago when I was in my late 20's. I finally ended a five-year waste of time masquerading as a relationship, felt like shit, felt like my life was over and nobody would ever even like me again, and my ex was with a younger, dumber partner. But now I'm dating a total hottie five years my junior who is not only a genius but also values my intellect. He's one of those rare guys who has no desire to date someone stupid. And, more to the point, the ex has faded into a vaguely unpleasant memory. I have absolutely no desire to see or speak to him ever again. So, from someone who admires your writing (and sparkling personality) very much, don't worry. Your life can only get better now that you've ditched the dead weight. Also p.s. in between those relationships I dated a guy who had a seriously excellent dick, but I had to let him go because he was shitballs crazy. So I guess my point there is that one (or two) great body parts don't count for everything.

[Pinky]

"As much as I'd respect your decision to refrain from discussing personal affairs for the sake of your friends, this LA girl is THRILLED you'll be returning to your more-frequently-posting ways. Pot Psychology is great and all, but we all fell in love with you via 1D@AT."

Hear, hear!

[papo]

Dude, i´ve been reading your stuff for a minute and i think you defenitely need to stop whoring for attention by sharing your intimate stuff with the world.

All of this is going to be even worse for you than people not wanting to fuck you ( in the long run, only scumbag dudes will be your option left), let alone someone falling in love with you.

So much for your personal life. As far as career goes, word gets around quick about shit like this and (unfortunately) yes, people will judge you for it.

You need to lay off the whole Williamsburg implant, hipster bullshit, look-i-a-sooo-different-than everyone else and find yourself. This might be therapeutic to write all of this so continue on, just dont share it with the world.

You seem to be a really good looking (seemingly), sharp, funny, eloquent and maybe even good hearted broad so you have no reason in the world to act the way you are right now.

[papo]

Whoa. I just read the other comments.

Its skanks like these who feed you into believeing that you are doing the right thing by continuously exposing yourself like this, when really they want to be amused or justify their own similar behaviour.

[JewBoy]

How has no one brought this up?? - Outing his HPV just proves you are bitter and childish - it doesn't add to the story and only serves to further deteriorate the "healing process" you claim to be going through by angering him. We're not in 3rd grade anymore and making him mad won't make him like you again.

[JewBoy]

How has no one brought this up?? - Outing his HPV just proves you are bitter and childish - it doesn't add to the story and only serves to further deteriorate the "healing process" you claim to be going through by angering him. We're not in 3rd grade anymore and making him mad won't make him like you again.

[Aimee]

Tracie, I love you, sister, just the way you are. I like you over at Jezebel, but I love you pouring yourself onto the (web)page here. It was like a little present when I got here and found a new post.

Also, your tits are FUCKING GORGEOUS and I am very jealous of them.

Also, no longer lurking!

[bigtittiecommittee]

I'm SO GLAD you're back. I missed you a lot.

[aL]

Keep writing!! Otherwise how else would a student like me be able to justify not studying for her final tmrw morning? The final for the class which she has not gone to since the beginning of the semester? Anyway, you're a great writer and you're entitled to write about your experiences as they affect you. Keep writing cause you're sorta like the Erica Jong of our generation.

[Cypridophobic]

Dear Slut Machine:

Welcome to Patriarchy. Population: You.

Educated women are more demanding, less fertile, more promiscuous, and less reverent of their husbands. Duh.

I think that this explains my own mixed feelings about you. You're smart, sexy, and interesting. You'd be a fun mistress, nothing more.

Don't worry about being lovable, though. The way to a man's heart is through his dick. I'm sure your new boy is wrapped around your manicured finger.

[Em Jay Peeeee]

The hell with Billy BackHair - we need Slut Machine blog posts!

I look forward to your new blog posts waaay more than anyone should. I like your stuff over at Jezebel, but these posts are better.

[Rae]

If you compromise yourself in order to make someone else happy, you'll start to resent them. A good relationship needs acceptance and learning to love someone as a whole, not just pieces of them. You're amazing and honest, and its damn refreshing. If he can't see it or won't work for it, he isn't worth your time.

Ps. As a 22 with sagging tits, I would probably kill for yours

[Laura]

thank you for this.
really.

[From a Dude]

Hey Trace,
Fuck that noise about younger chicks. I'm a 25 year-old dude. I have many 25-28 year-old dude friends. The kind of a guy who makes an effort to date a lady 5+ years younger than him is doing it for some twisted, youth-craving narcissism, tits notwithstanding. Older girls = more intelligent, considerably better in bed, actual real women (as opposed to "girls"). You're a gorgeous lady, fo sho.

M.

[From a Dude]

Hey Trace,
Fuck that noise about younger chicks. I'm a 25 year-old dude. I have many 25-28 year-old dude friends. The kind of a guy who makes an effort to date a lady 5+ years younger than him is doing it for some twisted, youth-craving narcissism, tits notwithstanding. Older girls = more intelligent, considerably better in bed, actual real women (as opposed to "girls"). You're a gorgeous lady, fo sho.

M.

[Lurleen]

I love you slut mashine..we are so diferent but I love how you are..and this post is awesome..keep writing cause we really enjoy it..we need your material those people wont stop you..

[v]

I 've been so used to there being no new posts here I haven't checked in for a while. I love you for being honest and it's creepy but I want to share your stories by saying 'my friend' said this, or that. We're like the sme age and I too was a slut but I changed my ways to get married! You remind me of me, only way better. I hope you make your way thru the sadness and keep being awesome. I love Jezebel but you can't get this there.
Also did not know you were "seeing" the swervy dick guy.....not sure who is luckier....you or him!
Much love to you my internet friend.

[v]

I 've been so used to there being no new posts here I haven't checked in for a while. I love you for being honest and it's creepy but I want to share your stories by saying 'my friend' said this, or that. We're like the sme age and I too was a slut but I changed my ways to get married! You remind me of me, only way better. I hope you make your way thru the sadness and keep being awesome. I love Jezebel but you can't get this there.
Also did not know you were "seeing" the swervy dick guy.....not sure who is luckier....you or him!
Much love to you my internet friend.

[standsalone]

I definitely run with the self-censorship as well. For my own personal enjoyment - by which, I mean your blog - I suggest you shouldn't listen to those inner voices.

I reckon we like you more than any potentials would resent you. I can't believe you would consider people you know over annon internet people!

[michelle]

Tracie, I've been reading your blog for a bit now, and in some not-creepy-at-all-way it's nice to read the writings of a woman who owns her sexuality as much as I do (I OWN IT BAYBEE). And like me, makes no apologies for it.

That being said--you are 29, correct? Well, let me tell you, that at 34, I have WAY more going on than i ever did in my 20's. The 30's are awesome. Women blossom in their 30's. Just wait...you'll see....the sex is better, the men you attract will be better, you will be more 'yourself'...it just gets better. Sure, sometimes I'm sad when i see new lines on my face, but what can i do about it other than stay out of the sun? (which i won't do, i live on the gulf coast)

Last summer I had a series of one-night-stands (about 50 *don't judge*), and I remember the 22 y.o.---he was all, women in their 30's are the shit! I'm sure your 22 y.o. feels the same way!! Train him up right.

Big hugs from the sunny South.

[rocknrollunicorn]

You rock, etc etc. You've heard it all before.

And don't listen to Mrs. Lopez, because if you will recall she also tried to tell us that "69" is awesome. Plus she seems to think that love is always better than sex. I respectfully disagree.

[real talk]

i love your blog and i'm not a 300 lb kansas shut in. that was an awesome post.

[hgielar]

I was wondering when you were going to get with that swerved dick of yours! FINALLY! When you find a dick like that, and it has a decent dude attached to it, never EVER let it go! Well, unless the dude turns out to be a total douche, then obvs let it go. Duh.

[bigtittiecommittee]

ok...i vote you come back...NOW

[val]

happy to see you writing back on here, as its been one of my favorite blogs second to fourfour (which is where i found out about it anyway).

don't talk to your ex. i'm in almost the exact same situation, and trying to be friends doesn't work and just brings up more pain and confusion. it sounds harsh, but just try to forget about him. he's history.

[Too Hot For TNR]

You never realize you're over someone until you exhaust yourself in the panic over realizing that you're strangers. Then, and only then, can you face the choice about reacquainting.

Everything you wrote here seemed real, so thank you. One day you're going to get into a long talk with your ex's new SO and realize you don't hate that person, and in fact you might like them. That was one of the 5 most liberating feelings I have ever experienced. You don't have to be there all of a sudden, and absorbing that lesson is a difficult and circuitous process. But you're already stronger than you think, and you seem like you think you're pretty strong already.

[Jeannette]

it also keeps away the amateurs.
you the bomb, baby grrl.
xxx

[robyn]

a) i ran into my ex walking hand in hand with 20 year old girl the other day, and it just felt like nothing. just a vague 'i think i knew you once?' feeling. get excited as you will get to this point soon, too!

b) my mom says your 30s are 10x better than your 20s because you just stop caring about stupid shit that you can't change anyways.

[k]

You're smart and sexy, your younger boyfriend has a great dick, and look at all of the comments of these total strangers. Thanks for sharing your life with us. It makes a lot of us, myself included, feel more confident about our own lives. I think you have an amazing attitude and are going to go amazing places in your life. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.

[elder_flowr]

If you feel remotely insecure about the state of your tits (esp at 29!), your life-mate needs to have a different job from your ex. A bloaty, crampy, moody day when I have to rush home to change panties AND JEANS, is bad. Such a day also knowing my SO spent the day interviewing nubile camera freaks that would stop at nothing to get on film-much worse. If he's hard on your self esteem or makes you consider squandering your talent, he's not good enough for you.

You're capable of love; you're worth it. There is someone that will love you for your talents, your honesty and lack of restraint, and also love kissing your face in the morning. Patience, glasshoppa!

[M]

LOVE IT! I know how you feel, but you go ahead and vent your material!

You are such a badass.

[ladyem]

I just started reading this blog and already love it. Just had to tell you about my ex who also NEVER took his shirt off when we fucked for the exact same reason as yours. I knew the reason, although he didn't actually tell me until over a year in, but I just let it go even though I thought it was weird and couldn't have cared less. Why do we indulge men like this...Anyway, looking forward to reading this blog more regularly!

[Amanda]

I just wanted to say that I'm going through a very similar situation and this post helped a lot.

Glad to see you're back SM.

[challaaagh]

the most shocking revelation: you slept with a guy who wouldn't take his shirt off more than once. UGH.

[challaaagh]

the most shocking revelation: you slept with a guy who wouldn't take his shirt off more than once. UGH.

[Lula]

"I was totally not his type at all. I don't have tattoos all over. The only things pierced on my body are my earlobes. I don't dye my hair black. I don't appropriate black culture as an ironic joke while being a rock-only fan."

I love you even more for calling him out like this. The 'appropriation of black culture' line was so dead on I laughed out loud. You can do better than that douchebag and you know it.

All the best to you, Tracie.

[HardCandy]

"The kind of a guy who makes an effort to date a lady 5+ years younger than him is doing it for some twisted, youth-craving narcissism, tits notwithstanding."
So then why do older women sleep with younger men? Honey grow up it is for the same reasons, when you grow up you will realize it.
Tracie I understand where you are coming from but why must you put down another woman to make yourself feel better. Hell why are any of the women here putting down a woman (and man) they don't know. Remember Ms. T has only given us one side of the story and there's always three sides to every story. Her story, his story, and the truth.

[MeTube]

"I don't appropriate black culture as an ironic joke while being a rock-only fan."

This line got to me. You probably should have said hip-hop culture not black culture because the two are very different things.

[brookezilla]

Somehow you've hit on everything in this post I've felt and wanted to say to my ex (on-again/off-again BS for seven goddamn years) but have been too cloudly-in-the-headhole to articulate. Mine sat on my couch, two weeks after we broke up (but, predictably, were still best friends) and told me how the 22 year-old he worked with came over, and "cuddled" with him. And how it felt great to be "close to someone." I have never felt nauseous and violent, in equal parts, at the same time in my life.

For me, it was realizing that we wouldn't end up together in the end that killed me. He can bang as many 22 year-olds as he wants to, and I sure-as-shit can do the same. I'm enough of a tart to not be bothered much by fucking. But knowing that we were flawed and broken and unfixable as a unit...that hurt more then anything else.

At any rate, Tracie, I'll join the throngs of cheerleaders. And ask you to keep on rockin' out. It's nice to feel less alien, less broken, less flawed by relating to your awesomeness.

[#1 Sexworker]

Girl, lemme giive it to you straight, he might of not cheated on you because HPV has a high instance of latency,
second Oprah had a show and successful pretty women, without men were on Oprah said why they were alone and they gave their reasons...Oprah states "When a man looks at you he adds you up who you are, where your from, what you buy, how much money you have, and if he can't provide it, he will never be your man, he might date you but he will never be yours" and it is the truth, because lets be serious in the relationship the man wants to be the man, and he can't when your assets make him look like a BITCH.

[Katie]

I'm an office assistant with piercings and dyed black hair who ran out of money two years into college, and I still get dumped for being confident and intelligent and thus threatening.

I also work really fucking hard for a third of what I should be making given the workload (basically, they're too cheap to hire the two additional assistants, inventory processor, and office manager who should be handling it all) and it stings a bit to be generally slagged on by a woman whose contribution to the blogosphere I really admire (you) because some douchebag guy decided to act like a douchebag guy.

I get that it's not *really* about me, or my job classification, or Bachelorette #2 . . . but do you?

[Ana]

so good. great piece.