Gimme a P, Gimme an E, Gimme an R-I-O-D!

Having a period fucking sucks. But there are two instances when I'm thankful for my menses:

1. The few seconds of relief it brings each month, confirming that the pull-out has worked its magic yet again.
2. Commercials like this one:

I love all the ways that they contort their bodies, reminding us with each split, cartwheel, and high kick that they have absorbent cotton wedged up their see you next Tuesdays. This is my favorite part:

You just know that this commercial is the work of a marketing team made up primarily of middle-aged men. They think that the best way to advertise a "sports" tampon (whatever the fuck that is) would be to show cheerleaders. And they think that teenagers wear giant, white granny panties. And they think the term "bring it" is cheerleader specific, because apparently their focus study was based on a seven-year-old Kirsten Dunst movie (which I love, btw).

But still, I really love commercials like these, because cheesy or not, it's a period vagina in your face. And that shit is funny. So, please keep making these. Bring it, boys, bring it, bring it!

Comments

[tuna]

That movie is way too quotable.
She puts the "whore" in "horrify."

[Steve]

I agree, bring it! Spreadeagled young girls are always a thrill, bleeding or not. And no spotting! The goods work...

[spreadeagle]

My favorite tampon commercial is the one for Tampax Pearl and the girl's on some canoe with her man and they spring a leak! She literally plugs the gushing hole with her tampon. Classy.

[jenner]

I thought I was the only one who thought these commercials were a little too "HERE'S MY VAGINA, IT'S BLEEDING, DO YOU SEE?"

PS I am ashamed to admit that I also love Bring it On....*hangs head*

[Meep]

Actually I'd put $20 that it was mostly females behind that ad.

(a) There are so many girls in marketing its like the kitchen of the 21st century.

(b) If you made tampons for a living, would you hire guys or girls to make your ads?

Bottom line: vag signed off on bloody vag spirit.

[Rich]

I cannot believe Bring It On is seven years old. That makes us...older than 7. How depressing.

[Sabina]

My favorite tampon commercial involved an overweight actress shilling jumbo sized tampons, but only because it prompted my old roommate to ask the bewildered boys next door, "yo, if you're fat, is your stuff bigger?"

[Jana]

And how 'bout the marketing/ad genuises of Always? "Have a happy period"(???) If a woman actually came up with that speschul slogan, she deserves a hysterectomy pronto.

[Erin]

This probably came from the same Ad Wizards who came up with the commercial that makes a pregnancy test look like a space ship out of a Star Trek trailer.

[Chris]

m struggling to cope with the idea that science has reached a level where tampons have double leakage security and yet we can build a proper damn in New Orleans.

Perhaps Tampax needs to enter the damn building industry. I can just see it now "This flood stopped by Tampax".

[Chris]

"can't build a proper damn" - typo, sorry.

[Suburban Socialite]

Sure they can jump around, but can they sit behind a desk at work all day . . . and then stand up?

[heather]

hi slut machine,

i have a question/idea i'd like you to address, but i can't write to you via the email link on the site. what's your email address?

thanks!

H

[slut machine]

that is my email address:

ondatatime at gmail

[will]

My favorite tampon commercial involved an overweight actress shilling jumbo sized tampons, but only because it prompted my old roommate to ask the bewildered boys next door, "yo, if you're fat, is your stuff bigger?"

Hah! If only. Dicks contain no fat, unless you go for the enlargement surgery that injects it, which can turn out hard and lumpy anyway, so getting fatter doesn't make your dick thicker. And the bigger your belly is, the more of your dick is inside you even when you're fucking, so getting fatter actually makes it shorter, too. Tall skinny boys are the biggest.

[nav]

"see you next Tuesdays" reaffirms my confidence in your blogging abilities, but I must say its been kinda slow for a few weeks.

[dreadful]

why do i still get a sick sense of anticipation with every new period commercial that they'll show a really bloody close up of a chick's crotch to contrast the totally ineffective tampon.

[Sabina]

Will, my old roommate wasn't asking about dick. She was talking about the girl's see you next Tuesday, ok?

[will]

Oh... yeah, I guess most guys have lots of experience and basis for comparison with girls, whereas if she'd had a question about boys, she could have asked her girlfriends. Sorry, obviously I had my queer blinders on there, causing that completely random, explicit, and inappropriate post. I love your blog, mea culpa, please forgive and ignore that post!

[Lulu and Lori]

ROFL...especially the part about middle aged men behind the cheerleader spot. we're the two women responsible and by the way, it's been really popular.
and also, btw, those bloomers are what cheerleaders actually wear so their see you next tuesdays aren't hangin out in the breeze.

[Lily]

Does this mean that all the tampons that they made in the 'pre-sport' days were totally ineffective and that all those gals happily and confidently mountain biking and swimming were lying to me?!?!

[nat]

the "granny panties" are called "bloomers" and they're more like (granny-panty-shaped) bikini bottoms. cheerleaders do wear them, over the sexy underwear.

[Steven Davies]

Nice blog.I liked your comment Jana about the vaginal hysterectomy.