Something to Chew on

There's now a spearmint-flavored, chewable birth control pill on the market called Femcon Fe, that's supposed to be a "convenient, new option for busy women on the go." Check out the commercial:

How does chewing the pill make anything more convenient for "women on the go," especially when, according to the Femcon Fe site, if you chew the pill, you have to immediately drink a full 8 oz glass of liquid? It seems like a lot less of a hassle to swallow the pill with a swig of water or some spit in your mouth.

I guess the idea is that people will just think you're chewing gum or something, so you can pop it in your mouth during a business meeting and not have your coworkers know that you—gasp!—are a responsible, sexually active person or that you—gasp!—need your periods regulated. But what happens if, during that meeting, accounts payable sitting next to you is like, "Hey, can I get a piece?" Then you'll have to discreetly explain these spearmint chews are just for you because you love riding bareback.

Femcon Fe is also designed to make oral contraception an option for women who have difficulty taking pills, even though most birth control pills are about half the size of a Tic Tac. I resent the time that was wasted catering medical research of women's sexual health to this. 'Cause like, I have a sneaking suspicion that some chick who has issues swallowing isn't all that into sex to begin with.

I used to be on the pill back in the day, and I can say that taking it everyday at the same time was a nearly impossible task. Even if I were able to chew it, I'd still have to remember to do so, and that was my issue when it came to why oral contraceptives failed for me.

I got pregnant while on the pill because of my inability to develop even the smallest reliable routine in my life, such as taking a tiny little pill everyday at the same time. After I terminated the pregnancy, I went back on the pill, this time a different brand with a different hormonal dose. Truthfully, I didn't exactly like how my body reacted to the first brand I'd been on, Ortho Tri-Cyclen. I became a big bitch—literally. I put on like 30 lbs and I was miserable and cranky and emotional and I lashed out at loved ones on a regular basis. And on top of all of that, my sex drive had decreased to the point of near nonexistence.

The only difference in the new pill was that my hair began falling out in giant clumps. Fuck this, I thought. Who the fuck is gonna wanna get with a chunky, mean, bald girl? I stopped taking the pills, and saved the rest of the pack in the event that I'd ever need a budget abortion in the future. They sat in my medicine cabinet for about a year before I tossed them.

The only thing that I can say that I like about this Femcon Fe is that in the commercial, the "busy woman on the go" isn't wearing a wedding ring, and that is truly the first time I'd seen that in birth control pill ad. So even if the pharmacuetical company behind Femcon Fe thinks that tiny pills are hard to swallow, they clearly don't think that about the idea of a single woman having a sex life.

Comments

[Anon]

I totally hate that commercial too, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Also, thanks for the penis contest--I go to The Perfect Phallus blog once in awhile, but do not care for the man-on-man action that is sometimes featured.

[Chris]

no, no... you ALWAYS give one to the guy who asks for one, and make sure to offer him one every day! He won't know what hit him!

[kat]

Slutmachine, what are you doing about birth control these days? I don't love ortho-tri either, but I've been on it forever and I'm ready for a change. Suggestions?

[the cajun boy]

fear not, for there's a male birth control pill on the horizon. something else for men and women to argue about...whose gonna be on the pill in the relationship?

[NSupertramp]

I can't believe you got pregnant on the pill. That frightens me. I'm on ortho-tri and I just take it when I wake up, which is a three hour window of variation. Scary.

[K]

I have a non hormonal IUD 'cause I couldn't trust myself to take the pill every day at the same time. It is totally worth the five mintues of discomfort or whatever it was that it took to get it installed... don't have to think about it again for ten years.

[ajt]

I agree with K, the non hormonal IUD is the best thing ever. So many people think that it is the gnarly one of the past, like a big ole metal satellite in your cooch. It's really not bad...it's SO much better than pill, patch, and ring. I tried all of them and experienced the same big mean bitch syndrome.

The only drawback is that unless you have a monogamous, non-STDified partner, you need a condom as well. So, um, maybe not for everyone.

[jenner]

Can you blow bubbles with this new chewable birth control? That might be a selling point for me...

And good point re: the lack of a wedding ring.

[slut machine]

i don't use any birth control other than condoms. when i can, i gamble with the pullout.

[Tracer Bullet]

I'm gonna put this on the very, very long list of reasons I'm grateful for the presence of Big Jim and the Triplets. I don't have "hygiene products," ads for condoms are usually pretty straight forward and I've never once seen a commercial for jockstraps.

[Kate]

I like that when she's walking with the rolls of paper, she sort of saucily glances around at the office. I like to think she's fucking every guy in the place.

I think they can't market pills to women on the basis of "this is for women with defective throats!" so they had to do something else to get the word out. I predict the commercials will leave much sooner than those "shorter period" pill adverts with the girl whose legs were thinner than her wrists. She pissed me off, her and her ridiculous sparkly finger-ring. I'm glad she's gone...

[justin]

you are like a hurricane.

[olivia]

you have hiv slut... gross!

[olivia]

i wrote my last comment as a dumb joke but then i started thinking and i feel really bad because you probably do- i hope you get yourself on some magic johnson meds soon! hiv is NOT gross, just sad

[strange]

hey olivia: drop dead.

[anon]

seriously, not just one but BOTH of olivia's comments are dumb and offensive. get a life.

[shannon]

now i've had some nasty shit in my mouth, but the idea of a chewable birth control pill REALLY grosses me out. nice point about the water right after and the correlation btw a girl that doesn't want to swallow a pill and sex.

i have to say that the commercial that bothers me the most is the one with the "four gal pals" (oh so SATC) are sitting around at a "club" and the one "pal" who's a "doctor" starts blabbing on about hormones and shit. i have to mute it. CAN. NOT. STAND. IT. birth control pisses me off because in my case i was on the pill, stopped fucking the semi-regular guy, got lazy about the pill and had my period for THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT. it was the most awful experience of my life. the patch doesnt work, the ring frightens me (even though a good friend of mine is on it and swears by it) and i'm too scatterbrained (how sad is that?) to take the pill at the same time everyday. what's a girl to do?

thanks for your post, its nice to know i'm not the only woman who loathes these commercials.

olivia--what the fuck? if you don't like slutmachine, STOP READING HER BLOG. CHRIST! what kind of a fucked up snatch faced whore makes fun of people with AIDS these days? that's just hateful. god forbid (and i'm not even religious) that you get AIDS and someone makes fun of you. damn.

[Derek]

I guess the theory is you aren't going to need the pill if you've got YUCKMOUTH!!

I know I seem obsessed with this, but the Christy episode is going to be on A&E again Friday night. If I seem obsessed, it is only because I am.

[slut machine]

i just got a dvd recorder so i can finally have cristy forever and not live in constant fear that she will be erased from my saved shows on my dvr. now i have that song in my head..."she's so misty, that's my CRISteeee...."

[Derek]

HAHAHA... the dad singing... Classic ish

The irony that her name is Christy too.. She was doomed from day 1. Middle name Methyl.

[care]

I hated the pill because of that same time thing as well. Never worked out, I was always piggybacking two at a time because I slept the whole day before or something. Plus, I don't have room in my going-out purse for birthcontrol to take the next day! DUH! So I went on the ring. It's not bad at all, and no reason to be scared. It's easier than putting in an OB, I swear to god. You just pinch it together to form a figure 8 and then push it into your vagina until it won't go. your body naturally squishes it into your cervix or something and holds it into place. I felt way less cry-baby hormonal on the ring -- the pill made me cry over every stupid thing, like missing the bus or a fucking at&t commercial. I highly recommend it.
also, hey, olivia: you're a stupid bitch. I'm going to find you.

[care]

On second thought, you aren't worth finding, you clearly have HIV and herpes.

[Rich]

Haha, as soon as I read the word "Cristy," I thought, "That's my CHRISTY," too. BEST SONG EVER.

[shannon]

care, what about fishing it out? is it every week or every three? i also worry about these "new fangled" birth control methods getting recalled like the patch. i already smoke (which i know is a no-no on birth control) but i don't want to get a hole in my heart or anything freaky b/c i'm too lazy to take the pill.

[Kitten]

I was on Ortho-Tri for 3 years, and while I loved what it did for my T & A, it wreaked havoc on my cycle. Spewing for three weeks straight was all the reason I needed get off the the pill. I have to admit that my current form of birth control is prayer.

[care]

It's really easy to get out. You just stick your finger in and you'll feel it along the wall of your cervix. Then curl your finger around it and pull/slide it out. That is the most uncomfortable part (on a scale of 1 -10 i'd say it's a .2) and you only do it every three weeks. The cycle is: one week after period starts, insert. Three weeks after insert, remove - period starts next day, usually around the same time.
I worry about the recall as well, but I'd rather be on something that gets recalled than having a heavy, erratic period, ovarian cysts, and babies. Ugh, babies. Gross.

[KP]

I liked the ring too, but it can come out on the guy's penis mid-sex, especially if he is well-endowed. There are men in the world who get freaked out by ring around the penis. Thus, back to pills. Sigh.

[ww]

I swear I thought I read once that taking the pill at the same time every day was not really necessary and was told to women so they were more likely to remember to take it. I can't find any evidence of it, so maybe what i heard was a myth - who knows!
and for what its worth, I've been on Ortho Tri for like, 8 yrs now and have no problems with it - in fact it cleared up skin a lot. It really just depends on how your body reacts to the whichever pill it is you're on. The first one I ever tried was a lower dose one and I spotted the entire time - it was so annoying.

[e]

Pregnant on the pill? I'll do you one better, well two better...I got pregnant once on my period and the second time on DeProvera (or however you spell it). I'm now afraid to let guys sit near me, as fertile as I seem to be. As a matter a fact I probably got pg from the Lunchtime Pole!

[marisa]

Yeah...fuck the pill. These bitch ass doctors keep telling me to get on the pill b/c i've got polycystic ovarian disease. I got pg on the pill and ended up bleeding for 40 days (it's such a biblical number) and in the hospital for loss of blood which was pretty awesome. So I'm good with the condom even though i could theoretically save myself from excruciating cramps and bleeding for 2 weeks at a time. The biggest reason i don't want to go on the pill isn't the bleeding, it's my decreased sex drive which just doesn't work for me because this girl likes the meat in the meathole.
Chewable pill? Not for me.

[liz]

Ok, I actually take this pill, and the minty-ness is kind of nasty, because I just swallow it with whatever liquids I have handy (heh) and you know, phony-mint doesn't go well with cold coffee. Just saying.

The gyno says the chewable-ness is indeed to prevent embarassment that, you know, you take a pill.

Because only 99% of all Americans are currently on multiple forms of meds or something. So there's clearly a stigma.

[susan]

To tell you the truth, I've always had a problem with swallowing pills. They make me gag, but at the same time, I can take a cock and swallow a load with no problem, can't explain it, but it's true.

I was on the pill briefly when I was 15, but also couldnt be regular with it. I don't use anything right now, bc I have the suspicion that my boyfriend (or maybe me) can't impregnate. It's been 3yrs, and we've never used a condom and I've never gotten knocked up. I sit on the toilet after sex and push out the cum. lol.

[miss christy]

I just got on that ring too, and for the first time on BC i have no mood swings or weird bleeding. the only issue i have with it is that my sex drive is WAAAAAY down. i am going to give it another month, but if the trend continues i am ditching it. I fully support the pull-out method in non-random cases :-)

[caroline]

everyone i know who has a kid has them because "oops the pill didn't work." If you forget, if you have a cold, if you take an asprin that reacts with it....oops! It's not worth it to me when you can just use a condom and common sense.

I do have to agree with the poster about the SATC "Yaz" commercial. Why would I want to take a pill called YAZ?!

[minou]

i got pregnant from taking the morning after pill... EXACTLY AS DIRECTED. and within 24 hours, no less. and after the condom broke, no less. it was like my fertility just wouldn't take no for an answer. and now, i barely let men hug me anymore. i certainly don't french kiss. e, i'm with you here: kinda freaked out by the reader's pole.

[Gadfly]

The only thing I can say with authority on this topic is -- condoms suck, but it's better than no pussy at all.

I think that's why a number of guys are drawn to serial monogamy.

[NY Radical]

Slut Machine: Gawker just stole your poll! About how readers swing! They came, if you will, swiftly like thieves! Give it back Gawker!

[spamela]

oy, the pill made me a nasty bitch too, so i went on the ring, which made me not want to have sex, plus my insurance stopped paying for it. I was spending $100 a month for bc that made me not want to have sex. goddamnit. so I just use condoms now too. I thought an IUD would be perfect for me, but my gyno won't put it in anyone who's not had a kid and claims that most other NYC gynos won't either. The French, apparently, are cool with it. So maybe either go to France or find a French gyno in town and you should be good to go.

[NY Radical]

And Olivia, I dare you to cast the first stone.

[Floh]

Y'all need to get off the Ortho-Tri!! That shit is toxic. And OLD. (I was on it in the early 90's!)

Yaz may be a nasty name (it's called Yasmine or Yasminelle where I live) but it's a lot lighter on the side effects and general fat bitchiness. But, if you don't take it on time, you will get your period early and that can lead to the 3-week bleed. Not fun.

I quit BC pills after having my first baby bc I just couldn't deal with any. more. hormones. IUDs seem like way too much of a committment; and I don't know about those newfangled rings and patches and whatnot.
So it's condoms and pull-out and prayer. I never thought I'd be married with kids and using condoms. It seems wrong, somehow.

slut machine: you're brilliant, great post!

[brief]

As horrible as it may sound I used a diaphram with my boyfriend. I could NOT take the side effects. Now recently single I opt for the condom and pullout. But, seriously the diaphram isnt so bad (watch out for the UTIs).

[amanda]

"...and saved the rest of the pack in the event that I'd ever need a budget abortion in the future..."

Hah, wonderful.

Yaz isn't bad at all, aside from the ridiculous name. I've been on it for a year and the only effect aside from nonpregnancy was clearer skin.

[Sierra]

Pharmaceutical companies...anything to make more $$$. I mean seriously, if you can't work up enough spit to swallow something as small as a birth control pill, just get the damn shot!

[June]

hey, fuck you. what's with the snide comment about women who can't swallow hating sex? Just because someone can't deal with shit in their throat doesn't mean they've got any problems on the other end of their body.

[j]

did anyone else notice that in the 2 examples they use to show how convenient it is to take a chewable pill, meaning no water/liquid necessary, the girl has a drink in her hand? (coffee on the street first, a water bottle in kickboxing class second.)

[lilwolverine]

Taking the pill everytime the same day isn't a myth, it's so your hormones stay at the same level. If you take it too late in the day, your hormones will drop, which could get you preggs. I've had to go through a lot of birth control b/c I have a hormone prob, if I'm not on them, I'll get morning sickness and hot flashes while on my period..fun times. And I believe Yaz is just for PMDD, I don't think you can take it unless you've been diagnosed with the disorder. It's fairly new, so I'm not sure. I personally use the patch, since I never remember to take the pill, and yet still forget to switch patches at the beginning of the week

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[katie]

the pull out method is not the most reliable ladies... i am proof. birth control sucks, but we are between a rock and a hard place. what to do??? the iud is next for me.