Doll Faced

I love pills. I really do. It's the most convenient way to get fucked up. Don't get me wrong, I love being drunk, but I find it a chore to get that way because booze tastes gross. Pot rules and all, but the smell factor places restrictions on when and where you can smoke it. And coke comes with its own laundry list of complications in regards to necessary discretion—like if the bag is too chunky, making it impossible for you to do secret key bumps; or how awful the feeling of anticipation is when waiting in a super long bathroom line at Max Fish, only to have the urge to get back in it five minutes after you'd completed your task.

But I don't eat pills recreationally all that often because 1.) tolerances build up way too quickly, as in a matter of days; and 2.) it's way too expensive.

Howevs, I do keep a stash of dolls on hand to assist me in life, and I don't mean Adderall (I wish, though) or anti-depressants. I'm talking about some real, old-fashioned, shady-doctor-prescribed, Judy-style uppers and downers.

You know, a lot of people want to be thin so they look good naked, and because of what I normally write about here, one would naturally assume that of me. But that's not true. It doesn't matter what a girl looks like, she will still always be able to get laid by someone. A guy would fuck a hollowed-out, warmed-up ham hock.

No, I want to be thin so that I look good in clothes. It's what I spend all of my money on. For real, I've juggled with balance transfers on credit cards, and have put off paying utilities for months at a time, so I could buy a vintage Chanel dress (that I still haven't worn), or some crazy sequins get-up from the flea market, or a pile of deals from H&M, or my fifth black fall coat, all of which I felt like I couldn't fully live my life without. The thinner I am, the better I look wearing all of my irresponsible decisions.

I've had yo-yoing weight issues since high school, due to various mild eating disorders and hard living. The first time I discovered my love for prescription diet pills was when I was 20. I went to Mexico with a friend, and came back over the border with an ounce of weed in my bra and a bag of pills in my vagina. I got super thin, super fast, and I was able to stay up all night working on essays and projects for school. But I had enough sense to not go overboard, and when the pills ran out, I was OK without them.

About five years ago I went on birth control, quit smoking, and took a temporary break from coke all at the same time. It was an evil triumvirate that made me pack on weight like I was Delta Burke or Anna Nicole Smith or Kirstie Alley or some other wreck of a fattie. After seeing a picture of myself at my biggest, I joined a gym, went on Weight Watchers, and peppered my diet plan with some puke. But always one who will never settle for anything less than instant satisfaction, I went out and got myself a 'scrip of Ionamin. I dropped the weight so fast. It was great. I stopped eating for like a month straight. I was able to subsist off an apple, or maybe a handful of Tostitos a day at the absolute most. And I also got these awesome head rushes when I stood up too fast. It was like getting a freebie of Nitrous.

I know, as a feminist, I should love my body and not give in to the pressures of societal values underlying body image—but only fat girls think that way. JK...sort of. And I know I may be grasping for straws here, but isn't it a bit more responsible to admit that I struggle with this shit than to be like, "Oh, I just have a naturally fast metabolism"?

I don't think I'll ever change. I can't imagine that I'd stop caring about what I look like, especially living in NYC. But don't worry, I'm nowhere near Olsen thin. I just look normal.

In fact, at this point, I like to take uppers not because of the appetite suppressant effects, but because they give me a shitload of energy. I've been on and off pills like Phentermine and Adipex. (One time I was given Xenical, before it was approved for over-the-counter use. Huge mistake! It makes you shit oil and it doesn't give you any extra pep.)

As for the downers, I hate falling asleep at night. I lay there and think of things for hours. I torture myself by replaying embarrassing moments in my head, or creating lists of all the things I've failed to accomplish in my life, thus far. It's why I prefer passing out to simply just going to bed like a normal person. I managed to get a doctor to prescribe me Ambien for such nights. It's rare that I take those, though. Plus, I'm super paranoid about mixing and matching pills. I would never take an Ambien if I had taken an upper earlier in the day.

But I'm not nearly as discriminating when it comes to letting uppers mingle with booze in my otherwise empty belly. It typically makes for an interesting night. After about three cocktails, a weird dichotomy takes place, wherein I both lose and retain a certain amount of control. I switch into autopilot and my id runs the show. But because the pills push my booze tolerance through the roof, enabling me to drink any other lush under the table, I'm still holding the reins.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I place any restrictions on myself, it just means that I'm able to apply an almost relentless focus on my hunt for more booze, more sex, more drugs, and more good times. The city and its buildings, lights, faces, are all a streaky blur that I must push past in order  to get to the next bar, in order to meet the next dude who will be my next one-night stand. And all of this is taking place to a deafening soundtrack consisting mostly of my own drunken cackle, induced by my own amusement and self-satisfaction.

I become—for lack a better term—a slut machine.

[Edit: I didn't want to have to add something like this, because I felt like it defeated the purpose of what I was trying to get across. I don't hate fat chicks. I just don't want to be one. And who does? I don't mean to alienate anyone or make them feel bad about themselves, but if you haven't noticed, I don't really walk on eggshells for anyone around here. The shit that I write, may at times be empowering, but ultimately, I'm much more invested in being honest and raw.]

[Edit 2: Don't contact me about where to get pills. Do a Google search.]

Comments

[marisa]

I'm a fattie and fucking love this shit. To other fatties who are "disappointed", get real, you know that people secretly feel this way.

Loved the post and your honesty...I wouldn't settle for anything less from you. :)

M.

[kimmie]

um, I love being chubby, natural DD's? yes please! Altho I do feel ya on the clothes, I'd kill to have skinny ass legs and wear some short miniskirt. But I'm fine with all my T&A too :)

[Sloth]

Oh, give me a fucking break already. I NEVER comment on peoples' blogs but I just can't sit still with this one.

You people who are holding Slut Machine up to some holy, feminist, anti-societal-expectations standard are so full of shit. You're the same people who claim to read this blog because it is from the perspective of a sexually liberated feminist. FUCK YOU. You read this blog because it fascinates and titillates you. SM can write about ingesting fistfuls of drugs and sleeping with legions of people she doesn't know and you're totally on board, but the second she admits to being more than just a sniffly nose, an enlarged liver and a thrusting pelvis - which, ADMIT IT ALREADY - is how you imagine her, the minute she steps into the realm of being a 3-dimensional human being with the same emotional complexities that you have and the same vulnerabilities that you have and the same COMPLICATEDNESS that you have, you suddenly shift from praising her brazenness to condemning her for not wanting to be fat. What, like you want to be fat?

What do you expect SM to be for you? A champion for women everywhere? A fucking role model? Get real. She's not Gloria Steinham, you retards. Just because you're sensitive about being pudgy doesn't mean that you should be taking it out on people who are not only NOT ATTACKING YOU FOR BEING FAT, but are simply talking about their own feelings about their own lives. Guess what? One D at a Time ISN'T ABOUT YOU. It's about Slut Machine.

So go ahead and pretend like she just poured her chocolate milk on you in the cafeteria if you want to, but understand that it's a sad, bullshit way of making everything about you and your painfully prevalent insecurities.

GET OVER IT.

[Irish]

Sloth,
I only got to your description of SM: "a sniffly nose, an enlarged liver and a thrusting pelvis" and i got too scared to go on! You had sort of a creepy but visceral reaction I guess. ::shudder::

-Jew

[Lisa]

Sloth, Are you in love with Slut Machine or something? Everyone's just posting their thoughts here and you need to chill the fuck out.

[Jessica]

Ehh, I'm entirely too cheap to spend money on 'scripts, to be honest, mostly because I'd rather spend it on good food and clothes that make my ass look great. I'm a curvy girl, but I don't mean that in a "I'm actually huge but curvy sounds better than fat" kinda way. No, I really do have big tits, tiny waist, bangin' ass (thanks Cuban genes!), so really when it comes to weight, I'm like...whatever. Exercise, to me, is a means to gain strength rather than lose weight, and the foods I eat are chosen not because they have the least amount of calories but because they taste good and make me feel healthy.

I think the majority of the problems that people have with this post stems from the fact that in this society, girls are taught from the start that women MUST have self-image issues to be women. It goes hand in hand with the lesson that women have to be reserved in the bedroom. So when someone like SM comes along, a total beast in bed, it doesn't match up with all the other bullshit restrictions we've been forced to accept as Truth.

So, SM, while I don't necessarily dig the whole pills/coke thing (pot and rum for me, kthnx) I say just do yo' thang. And fuck even having to edit in little disclaimers on your post just because people think everything is about their whiney asses.

[juliet]

Aside from all the novel sized comments isn't it just as simple as, either you care about being skinny so you stay skinny, or you don't care and say "fuck it!" like Candice.

Personally I like the felling of saying "fuck it!" to staying skinny sometimes. It's kind of like skipping class.

[Forty]

Eh, I didn't have the time to read all these whiny comments. Pass me the diet pills!

I mean, fo real. Before I roll a high school kid for his Adderall

[Tuna]

Be careful, my grandma died naked in her fur coat with a bottle of vodka and pills by her side. But of course this was in the 60's when every housewife was on drugs.

[slut machine]

omg, your grandma sounds completely awesome. i hope when it's my turn, i go out like that. i'm serious.

[joanne]

I am fat is in faaaaaaaaaaaat! I love your blog SM. Thank you for being fer reals for us. I admire your balancing act. And am not offended in the least nor am I at all worried for your health.
We are all the same kind of fucked up just at different weights and sizes.

[Keria]

Wow, you're totally right, Jessica, about girls are taught they they're supposed to have issues with themselves. When I think about, I didn't have any problems with my body image until all my friends started saying that they were too fat. Suddenly, I went from being completely happy with myself to thinking I was fat.

[Rylie]

eye rolls for everyone.

I think if anyone reading this is disappointed in slut machine, for you know, shattering your one-dimensional image of her which by the way you've only gained from what she's chosen to tell you, you should re-evaluate what you enjoy about this blog in the first place!

I can't disapprove of a post which compares pussy to warmed ham hock. I just can't.

[ellagood]

just bought a jonathan adler ceramic jar that says "DOLLS"

love it

(sorry posted this on wrong forum a minute ago)

[ellagood]

just bought a jonathan adler ceramic jar that says "DOLLS"

love it

(sorry posted this on wrong forum a minute ago)

[Blair]

I got a boner when I saw that 63 people had made comments on my fave blog.

Slut Machine; appreciate the honest and raw post.

And I love Jew's point of vierw.

I'm gonna go and bust a nut. Esca-LATER!!!!

[jenner]

Erm, not so sure what Sloth is getting so bent out of shape about - I read the post, then read every single comment on here - and NOTHING stood out to me as being anywhere NEAR nasty or judgemental - except for Sloth's comment. Yours is the ONLY COMMENT that seemed really judgemental & nasty.

Yeesh!

Anyway, GREAT post, love it. Won't bother getting in on the whole body image issue, because I don't care LOL. But yeah, excellent post. :)

[jon smith]

olivia is creepy

[Jack]

This post was the best ever, no kids. being under twenty has helped me to stay emaciated. and eating all the time.

[Starchild]

Hey if you have a link to a site I can use I would greatly appreciate it..

S

[Milah]

What's with all the complaining? I thought it was funny. Lighten up people. WTF? Say whatever you want slutmachine it's your blog!! I, too, made a trip to TJ for the diet drugs. And i'm sure ont eveyrone (or anyone for that matter) who reads this is some virginal innocent drug & dick free martyr! what's the big deal?

[Milah]

Just ignore the typos in my other comment. i'm high. (Kidding)

[eliz]

has anyone gotten a link to a reliable site yet? if so, please e-mail. my ill-fitting spring dresses and i will thank you.

[eliz]

has anyone gotten a link to a reliable site yet? if so, please e-mail. my ill-fitting spring dresses and i will thank you.

[eliz]

ugh, sorry for the double post. i'm (clearly) impatient.

[Nova]

Seriously. Still awaitin' a response..

Love how we've turned you into our personal illicit dealer now.

[Jane Awake]

This is a long ass thread, so I don't know if you are even going to see my comment, but I also love diet pills. Right now I am taking an ephedrine-caffeine-hoodia combo. When it wears off, though, I get super hungry and tired, and I eat a whole pizza.

I have gained weight in the last year, and I miss all of my cute, skinnier clothes. I fail to make myself vomit. Why can't I do it? I want to try ipecac, but I'm worried it will cause muliple vomits, and I don't want to spend hours eat in reverse. I've stuck a toothbrush in my throat, but it doesn't work for me. I look for advice on the internet, but I can't find any.

I don't allow myself to get a cute haircut or buy any new clothes until I lose weight. If only I were not so lazy, and living in a car town, maybe exercise would help. I just want immediate results. I need starvation results--it's just that I have such an appetite.

[Ashlee]

Hey SM, let me begin by saying that you're an amazing writer. I don't know about everyone else, but I feel like she wasn't at all attacking fat girls. I think it was a way for SM to express some of her own inner feelings on her blog, but in her own style. Everybody in the world has body image issues. From the very thin, to the obese. I agree with the person who said that it's probably only the naturally thin feel as though everyone should 'just accept themselves and love their bodies no matter what yada yada.. It would be wonderful if you could just flip the self esteem switch on but it's not always that easy.

I'm a 23 year old size 13 woman and I ALWAYS have a tendancy to gain weight. If I even think about cookies my ass jiggles for a week.

In the last few years I truly have made peace with my past demons and I have great self esteem and I'm my own best friend. I'm always able to pick myself up when I fall cause I love myself. But still, I look in the mirroir sometimes and notice that my face 'sorta seems fatter', have random freak-outs when i've had a particularly 'bingey' week, crash diet and beat myself up for eating before bed time and for not trying harder. Which is totally ridiculous! I always come back to my senses, and besides, i'm not going to let a little extra bloat get between me and a fuck! You just have to learn to keep yourself in check, be your own best friend. The only person who truly takes care of you and looks out for only you is YOU.

SM, I appreciated your honesty and I thought it was brave of you to be so candid about your own self image. Thanks!

[Forty]

you need these to match your habit.
xo

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=5448755

[m]

Slut Machine - ummmmm, are you there? Are you okay? Looking forward to an update here. Love your writing. Hope you're alright.

[slut machine]

cute! those are in my size, too.

i'm fine. just busy with work.

[NotOkay]

I'm on the Tightwad NYer Diet:
During daylight hours I have banned myself from taking subways and taxis. I live in Brooklyn and speed walk over the bridge if I need to get anywhere. It takes a little more time, but I've lost serious weight and I'm still consuming beer and pizza.

[Derek]

Jane awake. If that toothbrush thing isn't working, it sounds like you've got no gag reflex. We should hang out some time. You sound like a great person. Er something.

[Jane Awake]

Derek, no I totally gag, I just don't vomit. I gag and cough and spit, but it's just saliva, no chunks. Am I turning you on?

I'm still waiting on that barf advice, ladies.

[vickie]

shrooms or peyote always make me super barfy, and I don't eat for at least a day after.

[Queen Lena]

EEk. I don't wanna be fat either!

[NY Radical]

I think I just left you a comment on an old-ass post, which's fine. It was about retards/deformed peeps (got that link via sitemeter). At any rate, I love prescription shit--dilaudid, demerol, percocet, wtf-ever. Shit's clean. Like Adderall/"poor man's coke." But downers dude, totes. I know you don't dig em, but that's the coma shit. P.S. I just realized slut machine might be a play off "slot machine," yeah? Sounds good. I should change my name to coke machine, cause that's the only time I write you, though that's not even prescript. Anyway, oh the days of absinthe and laudanum--miss that shit, the 19th century. And dig this line: "The thinner I am, the better I look wearing all of my irresponsible decisions." That's tight. And lastly dude--fuck fatties. Like, whatevs. Being proportionate's best, yeah? Golden mean? Cause when I'm super-skinny, and I've been, like anorexic/inadvertent spiritual fast--doesn't feel so hot on this third world dark skin shit. Or too much--like fat--hello Zyprexa for core hallucinations--bloated me to 180 roughly and that sucked. Like totes depression/self-effacement--needed another script (Wellbutrin) to deal with that bullshit. So balance dude, balance. And yeah --you can delete this b.s. when you read it. Yeah? Please do, cause I'm f-in trashed, and like, not prescript, but like, vending machine slut Tanqueray coke zero trashed. Take care, TB.

[kristen may]

Jessica Cutler, I'm convinced this is your other secret blog you big whore. Remind me to hide my xanax and valiume the next time you're over my house slut rag!!!

[J]

This is my first comment to this post -- been checking in to troll every once in a while... I don't know about this post (along with its subsequent comments). Pills, coke, odes to bulimia and lots of (potentially) risky casual sex -- is that what being a post-modern urban woman is about? Really? Um...yeah....okay...

[slut machine]

yeah, you know me, i'm here representing for every single "post-modern urban woman." they felt i was an exemplary specimen, so they elected me. i do this blog as a means to educate society on how we all feel and how we all act all of the time, you know, since we're all exactly the same. this site is in no way an expression of any of my personal thoughts or experiences.

[Jane Awake]

J, you forgot rock and roll.

[antigone]

post modern? How 1975. Can we, pretty please, acknowledge that this honest raw fuckoff cackle snarl spitandswallow is straddling more interesting ideas than the dullcoldzombie old boys club?

Time to allow the dinosaur discourse to get us off--then proceed to promptly dismiss it with a good-ta-know-ya, got-what we-could-from-you door slam.
Not that I'm judging judgemental, conditioned, puritanical zombies, or anything.

This slut-brigade dialog brings a rocks glass of hope to my parched spirit. Thanks, ya'll.

[theidlereceptionist]

everybody get your fucking panties out of a bunch. you know all the stuff SM wrote, we ALL think that most of the time anyway.

i like the honesty.

[Kate]

I wish work didn't take you away from this blog. My internet browsing is substantially less satisfying without you. And I hate that I actually read all those asinine comments in order to give you a "come baaaaaack!" shoutout. Bitches need to douche all that sand from their 'ginas, making them all crazy-like.

Miss you, SM. Like whoa.

[meow mix]

when the fuck did u get so many commenters?

[Anni]

Geh... I could go on and on about my own experience with sex, drugs, and rock and roll. However, weight has little to do with all that is involved with the latter. I am 5'6" 180 pounds and I feel that it is self image that attracts men,not necessarily size. We all have issues with our bodies. Believe you are beautiful and men will believe that too. Even if they don't, hopefully you get a decent lay out of it!

[she-ra]

after reading your post, i would be lying if i didnt say i was a little worried about you, SM. only because of the pills. esteem issues and funky ideas aside; im not gonna get into all that.

the pills are gonna fuck you up, sweetie. there are long term side effects that crop up later in life. in 5 yrs time, i guarantee your liver and kidneys are gonna act up. and lord knows, strokes and heart attacks are a very common reaction to all kinds of prescriptions (and both are leading killers of young women). it happened to a very good friend of mine. your body simply cannot process all of the chemicals + liquor and drugs. sooner, rather than later, it will catch up with you.

im not trying to preach to you, honestly. just expressing a bit of concern cause ive seen how bad it can get. pick 1 poison and stick to it. mixing up your poisons leads to major major problems. and from your own descriptions it sounds like you are headed in a very dangerous direction.

yikes, my girlie. yikes.

[Noah]

Shove it She-ra.

[Suçan]

Umm I loved this. I am a huge fan of your writing, and no way do I think you were attacking fat girls. I have been every weight you can imagine or so it seems and done everything. I also live in New York and completely understand the compulsion to be a stick. I have had eating disorders too. I also wait in bathroom line ups biting my nails just so I can do a line. Weird. Anyway, diet pills suck and are shitty. If you want to lose weight fast and are dedicated go on the master cleanse diet. It's really hard and gross, but totally worth it. I am interested in how you take these uppers and THEN drink....sounds incredible, could be scary could be worth it.
Also, fuck yes you can be a feminist and still have body image issues....in fact I think they are heightened because you become more aware of inequalities.
xxx

[NSupertramp]

Slut Machine, I've been dying waiting for you to email me back some links to sites to get pills. Help a sister out! Please, lady!