Doll Faced

I love pills. I really do. It's the most convenient way to get fucked up. Don't get me wrong, I love being drunk, but I find it a chore to get that way because booze tastes gross. Pot rules and all, but the smell factor places restrictions on when and where you can smoke it. And coke comes with its own laundry list of complications in regards to necessary discretion—like if the bag is too chunky, making it impossible for you to do secret key bumps; or how awful the feeling of anticipation is when waiting in a super long bathroom line at Max Fish, only to have the urge to get back in it five minutes after you'd completed your task.

But I don't eat pills recreationally all that often because 1.) tolerances build up way too quickly, as in a matter of days; and 2.) it's way too expensive.

Howevs, I do keep a stash of dolls on hand to assist me in life, and I don't mean Adderall (I wish, though) or anti-depressants. I'm talking about some real, old-fashioned, shady-doctor-prescribed, Judy-style uppers and downers.

You know, a lot of people want to be thin so they look good naked, and because of what I normally write about here, one would naturally assume that of me. But that's not true. It doesn't matter what a girl looks like, she will still always be able to get laid by someone. A guy would fuck a hollowed-out, warmed-up ham hock.

No, I want to be thin so that I look good in clothes. It's what I spend all of my money on. For real, I've juggled with balance transfers on credit cards, and have put off paying utilities for months at a time, so I could buy a vintage Chanel dress (that I still haven't worn), or some crazy sequins get-up from the flea market, or a pile of deals from H&M, or my fifth black fall coat, all of which I felt like I couldn't fully live my life without. The thinner I am, the better I look wearing all of my irresponsible decisions.

I've had yo-yoing weight issues since high school, due to various mild eating disorders and hard living. The first time I discovered my love for prescription diet pills was when I was 20. I went to Mexico with a friend, and came back over the border with an ounce of weed in my bra and a bag of pills in my vagina. I got super thin, super fast, and I was able to stay up all night working on essays and projects for school. But I had enough sense to not go overboard, and when the pills ran out, I was OK without them.

About five years ago I went on birth control, quit smoking, and took a temporary break from coke all at the same time. It was an evil triumvirate that made me pack on weight like I was Delta Burke or Anna Nicole Smith or Kirstie Alley or some other wreck of a fattie. After seeing a picture of myself at my biggest, I joined a gym, went on Weight Watchers, and peppered my diet plan with some puke. But always one who will never settle for anything less than instant satisfaction, I went out and got myself a 'scrip of Ionamin. I dropped the weight so fast. It was great. I stopped eating for like a month straight. I was able to subsist off an apple, or maybe a handful of Tostitos a day at the absolute most. And I also got these awesome head rushes when I stood up too fast. It was like getting a freebie of Nitrous.

I know, as a feminist, I should love my body and not give in to the pressures of societal values underlying body image—but only fat girls think that way. JK...sort of. And I know I may be grasping for straws here, but isn't it a bit more responsible to admit that I struggle with this shit than to be like, "Oh, I just have a naturally fast metabolism"?

I don't think I'll ever change. I can't imagine that I'd stop caring about what I look like, especially living in NYC. But don't worry, I'm nowhere near Olsen thin. I just look normal.

In fact, at this point, I like to take uppers not because of the appetite suppressant effects, but because they give me a shitload of energy. I've been on and off pills like Phentermine and Adipex. (One time I was given Xenical, before it was approved for over-the-counter use. Huge mistake! It makes you shit oil and it doesn't give you any extra pep.)

As for the downers, I hate falling asleep at night. I lay there and think of things for hours. I torture myself by replaying embarrassing moments in my head, or creating lists of all the things I've failed to accomplish in my life, thus far. It's why I prefer passing out to simply just going to bed like a normal person. I managed to get a doctor to prescribe me Ambien for such nights. It's rare that I take those, though. Plus, I'm super paranoid about mixing and matching pills. I would never take an Ambien if I had taken an upper earlier in the day.

But I'm not nearly as discriminating when it comes to letting uppers mingle with booze in my otherwise empty belly. It typically makes for an interesting night. After about three cocktails, a weird dichotomy takes place, wherein I both lose and retain a certain amount of control. I switch into autopilot and my id runs the show. But because the pills push my booze tolerance through the roof, enabling me to drink any other lush under the table, I'm still holding the reins.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I place any restrictions on myself, it just means that I'm able to apply an almost relentless focus on my hunt for more booze, more sex, more drugs, and more good times. The city and its buildings, lights, faces, are all a streaky blur that I must push past in order  to get to the next bar, in order to meet the next dude who will be my next one-night stand. And all of this is taking place to a deafening soundtrack consisting mostly of my own drunken cackle, induced by my own amusement and self-satisfaction.

I become—for lack a better term—a slut machine.

[Edit: I didn't want to have to add something like this, because I felt like it defeated the purpose of what I was trying to get across. I don't hate fat chicks. I just don't want to be one. And who does? I don't mean to alienate anyone or make them feel bad about themselves, but if you haven't noticed, I don't really walk on eggshells for anyone around here. The shit that I write, may at times be empowering, but ultimately, I'm much more invested in being honest and raw.]

[Edit 2: Don't contact me about where to get pills. Do a Google search.]

Comments

[annonymous]

Just so you know SM, there are fat girls who read and love your blog. At least now we know how you feel about us.

[corey_f]

this one was a real downer

[slut machine]

ugh. i knew that one was coming. i don't hate fat girls.

[tina]

I was so into your blog because I naively thought of it as empowering--a promiscuous woman doesn't necessarily equate low self-esteem. But this?

[SarahKasarah]

am a chunky monkey, but still a). feel as though everyone should be entitled to state their opinion (esp. on their blog,) and b). live in the real world.
can I just find vintage in my size... yes after three months on phentermine. it sucks but 12 - 16, not as easy to find great clothes as say in a 10.
i feel you.

[slut machine]

you're sort of kidding yourself if you think that any girl could be a superwoman unaffected by the world and pressures around her. and while i'm all about sexual empowerment, and i'm an assertive, bossy, bitchy person, i think we can all agree that i'm no heroine.

[JBF]

Ya know, there's a chair waiting for you in the rooms whenever you are ready. Look forward to meeting you there in probably a few years.

[slut machine]

what are "the rooms?"

[tps12]

I think that is AA jargon.

[christy]

haha i definitely hear you on the immediate satisfaction thing-- i am really lazy but at one point i needed to lose 10lbs in 3 weeks so i went on a diet of meth and easy mac... i didn't sleep for like a month but i was averaging 2 hours a night on the elliptical machine and looked smokin hot.
and i wish people would realize that recreational drug use is a pretty common thing that doesnt always lead to some grim future of addiction and rehab. Keep having fun and living your life Slutmachine, you are fabulous!

[Sarah]

this was not sad at all, what is sad is when models claim they eat whatever they want and do yoga to stay in shape and normal people wonder why they're so fat when they diet and exercise all day. sure uppers arent healthy but I'd rather be thin than healthy, c'mon now. great post.

[Candice]

hey slutmachine,

i don't have a problem with your post, and i think your honesty's really refreshing. however, it does make me a bit sad to read things in the comments like, "I'd rather be thin than healthy." i grew up around a mom with a pretty severe eating disorder, and there's no question it's a fucked up way to live. i mean, i don't wanna be overweight either, but i sure as hell wouldn't sacrifice my health to be skinny! fuck that!

like practically every other woman in the history of the world, i've had issues with my weight and how i looked to others. i used to fast, worry, skip meals, all that stuff. then i got fed up and started eating normally and getting a little bit of exercise in my schedule. my weight stabilized, my health got better, and i got hit on by guys MORE. go figure!

and sm is right — guys don't care about a little belly. guys will fuck anything, especially if you have enough self-esteem to actually ENJOY yourself.

xo

[MissRandom]

this post totally speaks to me, my past has been influenced by mild addiction and eating disorders too. I say mild because I don't remember when I started drugs/starving, and don't remember when I stopped both, I just know that they were things I did to get immediate satisfaction, like Mademoiselle Slutmachine. I was always a huge girl, but once I stopped starving, and stopped giving a shit about my body, I just kind of slimmed down to what i should be. Plus, considering almost every woman in North America thinks she needs to lose ten pounds,(regardless if she doesnt) every reader of your blog is a fat chick.

[adelle]

you're right -- who actually wants to be a fat girl? "fat" doesn't equal healthy (although, granted, neither does "thin" in your case).

[Derek]

Have you seen the Christy episode of intervention? It's a masterpiece. I think you'd really appreciate it.

I love these posts. I feel like you're the female me. The perfect balance of being able to have a good job and still live like a derelict.

[slut machine]

omg, of course i've seen the cristy ep. my friend rich and i watch it on a regular basis. classic! he did a post on it:
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2007/01/another_methadd.html

[deeyou]

Have you ever been to England? All the doctors I encounter are reluctant to prescribe anything, it's so fucking frustrating.

I know a lot of people won't like the first part of this post but i'm glad you - for want of a better phrase - keep it real. I honestly think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who'd turn down diet pills that work. Even if they don't like to admit it.

[slut machine]

yes, i used to live in london. you can buy them online from a source that provides the "doctor" for you. you just have to pay little extra.

[deeyou]

Any recommended sites? I've searched around the net but most sites look a bit dodgy.

[deeyou]

Any recommended sites? I've searched around the net but most sites look a bit dodgy.

[cmtg]

Now that's what I'm talking about! Nobody appreciates my love of prescription drugs. It's a science, an art, hell, at this point, I've gotten so good, I could get a dentist to prescribe Ambien. The best bet is to find a good P.A., not a doc. I used to have a great one when I lived in another state... whatever I requested, he was all about the pen and the pad. No matter what the esoteric drug, as long as I had a reasonably entertaining story at hand, he was all, "Sure, I can do that!" Good times.

[Ulltra]

"Annonymous" and Tina, I think this post kind of does more good than any harm of hurt feelings. Despite how I could stand to drop 20 pounds easy, you couldn't pay me enough to switch places. Don't get me wrong SM, I love the blog. But just as much as you make judgments about weight, other people make judgments about a lot of other things--and I'm damn happy with where I fall on (all) the scales.

[lois lane]

speaking of ambien, did you see that article last week about people "sleep driving" while taking ambien. that was after last year's "sleep eating" article in the nyt about ambien as well. it was really more hilarious than alarming - people waking up with peanut butter and cookie crumbs in their mouths. at least that's all that was in their mouths when they woke up ...

[Jew]

I have to admit, i'm a little dissapointed... although i don't know you other than this blog, i had sort of cultivated an image of you in my head and this post totally destroyed it. I mean, you alternately starve yourself, throw up, and take pills because you like the way you look in clothes... jeez, not what i was expecting i guess. Still glad you shared though, raw and honest is always your style, although... i hope this doesn't sound harsh or judgey but i thought you were better than that.
We all have our moments but i can honestly say that i do love myself and make a concious effort not to "give in to the pressures of societal values underlying body image." And I'm not fat either... so i guess that just makes me happy, right? I don't have a vintage chanel dress but i don't have any debt either *to be fair though, none of us Jew's have any debt ;)

Take care!
-Jew

[Irish]

to lose 15lbs in 3 weeks all I have to do is stop boozing...but if i couldn't booze... then who would i be looking all anorex for?? certainly not jew she'd be out boozing without me.

-Irish

PS carefull with all the pills! We don't want you to stroke out and not be able to blog anymore ;)

[Jew]

I guess i was so shaken by all you admissions that i forgot disappointed is spelled with one s... whoops.

-Jew

[foshizz]

I can't believe people are getting all 'body-image-ey' and worked up cos someone admitted they dont wanna be fat and that they take pills ot help shift some pounds! Farking get over it.

[Jew]

See the thing is, "foshizz," (you don't mind if i call you foshizz do you?) is that this is what's called a "blog," and on this "blog" people leave "comments" expressing what is called an "opinion" on what the author of said blog has posted. These opinions can either agree or disagree, but it doesn't matter to the author because it just means PEOPLE ARE READING HER BLOG. So the thing is, if everyone took your advice and "farking" got over it, the blog would no longer be fun for people to read because they wouldn't be allowed to express an opinion, good or bad.

In essence, you foshizz, are a clown fart.

-Jew

[Susan]

I really appreciate your honesty, thanks for keeping it real!

[olivia]

well... I can't believe I'm about to defend you slut! How can I go from (almost) pure hatred to an undeniable affection for you in one post? You must be good. But honestly, the truth is is that I can relate to almost everything you just wrote. I guess it would be safe to say that I'm a functioning "mess". My struggle with the way I look is only one of many battles I have. I can totally relate to sniffing around and hoarding prescription pills to get me to sleep, "I lay there and think of things for hours. I torture myself by replaying embarrassing moments in my head, or creating lists of all the things I've failed to accomplish in my life, thus far." That's EXACTLY what happens to me every single fucking night unless I self-medicate with alcohol or sleeping pills. And since I NEVER EVER EVER get a good night's sleep, I will do anything to pep me up (I'm at 6 cups of coffee in the morning)!!!!! And to be perfectly honest, I've never met ANYONE (girls only I guess) who is happy with the way she looks and all of you preachy, self-love beeyotches are totally fooling yourselves. In a perfect world we could all treasure our good assets and dismiss those things that bother us, but that just doesn't happen. Men are superficial dicks and women are catty bitches, I wish the world was different but it isn't...

[Sarah]

" I should love my body and not give in to the pressures of societal values underlying body image—but only fat girls think that way."

I think only those rare naturally skinny girls think that way.

[vickie]

I would think that you have to love your body at least somewhat if you enjoy sex and are uninhibited.
I think being skinny is not about loving your body or not, it seems to me most women view being skinny as a sign of total control, you are the master of your deepest desires. It is more of a power thing than a beauty thing. Being skinny is one way to feel strong, accomplished, and in charge. That is just one way to attain those feelings, there are plenty of other ways of course. Just my 2 cents. I love the blog, but please be careful with the uppers, they can have some long term effects on your brain, especially when you are in a fasting state.

[charlotteharlot]

I'm just glad that there is more slutmachine fodder to read.

[kate]

I've been getting an RSS feed of your blog for a while. You're writing is confrontational and unabashed. This is sometimes uncomfortable, but highly thought provoking, enjoyable and funny. So, you're not smokin' with the funny factor in this post, meh.

it is what it is. Keep it up girl!

[mike]

i think it is funny that this post touched such a nerve when it probably relates to more or your readers then any of your other post. I would right more but I can't spell and there are some grammer nazi's here.

[slut machine]

holy cow. (and i don't say "cow" as an offense to anyone.)

i have to say that i feel a little weird that people are disappointed in me for not being confident and happy 100% of the time in life. is anyone? if they are, then they must be on different pills from the ones i'm taking.

also, even though i may lapse into some body-issue freak outs, i'm completely comfortable with my sex life. i mean, obviously i am.

i'd be irritated to think that people would take these issues as an excuse for my slutty behavior. it just isn't so. i really super duper like fucking. i always have. and size doesn't matter. well, MY size doesn't matter.

as i said in the beginning of this post, i don't really care so much what dudes think of the way i look, because i know i'll get laid either way.

there are two types of girls in this world (when it comes to fashion), the ones that get dressed for boys and the ones that get dressed for girls. i'm the latter.

[norelle]

Exactly. Men don't give a shit how fat or thin you are. They don't notice if you're wearing Gucci or a garbage bag. It's women you have to work to impress, and one wrong look from a woman can send me on a downward spiral. Healthy? No. But true.

[Jessucka]

Fat girl here. Not by choice. I'm working on it okay, you know it is so true about having the self confidence to work it. I have landed so many men lately that I think shouldn't want to sleep with me. But because I have the confidence to actually have fun and not worry about what I look like at the moment, they come back for more. Don't all girls dress for girls? I sure as hell do. Everyone knows most guys don't really give a fuck what you wear.

[Canada]

I totally heart you right now. Even more than usual.

But for serious, you can't hold out on me. Do you have any reccommendations for a reputable site where I can find Phentermine?

Mexico is a long drive from the Great White North. And with socialized health care, it's hard enough to FIND a doc up here - never mind one who'll prescribe the good stuff.

[stripper barbie]

if i didnt drink way too much, i'd be on diet pills in a heartbeat. i gained a few when i decided coke was bad for you. as for all these people who are disappointed.. i dont even know what to say about that. i mean, you're not wonder woman! the way i see it, we're all a trainwreck waiting to happen. and none of these people seem to be able to look away from yours. (dont take that in a bad way, because i think youre damn interesting!)

[patrick]

I think it's sad how little so many know about health and their own bodies. Honestly, its pretty easy to be skinny. It takes much more effort starving yourself and/or taking pills. People need to learn more about what they're eating and when and how often they should eat. Hamburgers and milk will make you fat! Eating just once, twice, three times a day will make you fat. Our metabolism speeds up when we eat small portions throught out the day. These portions of course need to be made up mostly of unprocessed whole foods... Lots of fruits and vegetables. Refined sugar and white flour will also make you fat. And lastly, everyone needs to workout. Dance run fuck whatever. Now I'm sure I've opened myself up to be attacked.

[stripper barbie]

milk doesnt make you fat patrick. maybe if you're chugging gallons of whole milk daily it does, but milk actually helps you lose weight.

[♥dex]

Well said, Patrick.

Give up all meat, save for the hot beef injection, and you can lose MAJOR pounds.

I lost 15 pounds the first month I stopped eating meat some years ago and I wasn't working out or taking any meds/drugs to help otherwise.

If anything, I was smoking lots of weed but eating more fruits/veggies/sorbets when I got the munchies.

And I agree, Slutty...only fat people say we shouldn't be so worried about body image.

[eliz]

yes, please post a recommended site for those of us who can't find script-happy doctors. there are so many to wade through; i just want to make sure i get the real thing! (an e-mail recommendation would be endlessly appreciated as well.) i'm similarly clothes-addicted.

[melikeypills]

i find it really interesting how many of your readers take offense to a PERSONAL blog that has nothing to do with them (directly or indirectly) and everything to do with you. i mean, talk about narcissism. . . but only talk about how it relates to me.

i read your blog because you make me laugh, sneer, wince with either a) recognition or b)raw honesty, and generally enjoy the fact that you are a really good writer. . . but then again, i do love me some 'scripts, so maybe all of those reactions are just drug related.

[Nova]

I agree -- what's a good site? Or alternatively, a good way to approach doctors about it?

[Keria]

Oh, I can relate to this so much. I've been feeling horrible lately because I'm pretty sure on of my friends is on the verge of getting an eating disorder and I'm feeding her all this pro-exercise & healthy diet stuff and I've been saying shit like that she should just be happy with who she is. And then I go home and pop a bunch of diet pills. I am like the biggest hypocrite ever.

[slut machine]

i feel weird about posting a site for you guys to go to, not because i'd be a bad influence, but because i don't want to get in trouble. email me and ask, and i'll forward you a link.

[Jew]

I'm actually surprised how many girls (im looking at you olivia) who think it's totally impossible to be happy with yourself as a person... i'm sure i will be accused of being presumtuous, but don't you think you're projecting? The statement "Men are superficial dicks and women are catty bitches, I wish the world was different but it isn't..." is totally depressing and false to boot. Maybe the people you know just totally suck balls.

To be honest SM i took this post with a grain of salt, both Irish and I thought it was sort of a momentary freak out, because you do seem pretty happy most of the time. I think you definitely are one of those girls who dress for girls, you don't come off as needing any guy's approval, i heard that in this post and i hear it all your others :) I didn't mean i was dissapointed in you as a person because that would be kind of crazy (since i don't know you at all). I was just expressing how i felt when i read the post, maybe disappointed is a bad word. But i cant think of a better one, i don't pity you, and i'm not sad for you because that would be silly. I couldn't relate to this post but that's why I liked it, it gives us all a chance to disagree and comment, which is fun, but i didn't mean any disrespect if that's how it came off.

If you want you can come over to my and Irish's blog and say you are disapointed in me for being such a pussy and going home at 4:30pm on St. Patty's day ;)

-Jew

[Irish]

Olivia- So when SM loves herself and her deboucherous life... you hate her. Then when she admit's she's as fucked up as you are, you want to be BFF's 4 EVA... interesting.

-Irish