Paris Hilton's Ex-Things

Paris Hilton has really gay taste in dudes, right? Now that the heiress has sworn off sex for a year, it’s more apparent than ever that the primary role of the men in her life is that of an escort. And what male escort do you know that’s straight?

Her first brief engagement was to this pretty boy, Jason Shaw a former Tommy Hilfiger model. In 2004 she dated Simon Rex, another former Tommy model. When he was 19, Rex (billed as “Sebastian”) did some masturbation scenes in several porn films that were aimed at a gay male audience. I know, it’s kinda hard to believe given this shot. And then there was her torrid affair with Nick Carter. And while he gets butch points for slapping her around, it still doesn’t erase his boy band past. Or incriminating images like this one: Paris has had more links than the gaudiest of Chanel accessories, but I believe this link. And although he surrounds himself with cheap whores who show their titties in exchange for a mere promotional T-shirt, he still got fucked in the ass with a dildo by a man. A side note to the cheap whores: haven’t you ever heard of Suicide Girls or Burning Angel? Dye your hair black, lay off the bronzer, tattoo a skull and crossbones on yourself, and begin making up to $400 for a photoset. You don’t even have to show any pink. Remember how Paris broke up the marriage of Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush? Not that that union would have lasted much longer considering he likes having balls on his ass and dick. And another thing: this gay makeover Reminds me of this gay makeover And then Paris got engaged to Paris. He’s practically Seacrest-y with those highlights. And while there are no overt gay indicators about Stavros, he is, after all, Greek. And we all know how those men have a long (and thick and hard) history of wanting to play naked leap frog with each other. Personally, I think she oughta hang up the beard act and just walk the red carpet with John Waters. He loves blond heiresses who publicly embarrass their families.

Comments

[Miss Kitty]

Priceless review! Glad to know someone besides me had wondered aloud more than once, "Damn, but all her boyfriends look GAY."

[brandy]

I always thought that Paris might actually have been a man at one point...so it sort of makes sense.

[slut machine]

yeah, she's got that crazy deep voice. and large feet.

[pamelaNeko]

I don't know about Joe Francis. Haven't you read this article yet: http://www.latimes.com/features/magazine/west/la-tm-gonewild32aug06,0,2664370.story

Probably takes it both ways, eh.

[Neocon-pincher]

Of course she attracts gay pretty boys. She's built like a 10-year-old boy herself.

At least nobody ever mistakes me for gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

Although there was an incident with a chick and a vibrator ... but in my own defense -- I was on extacy.

[Gadfly]

Huh ... for some reason, it keeps switching my name to what I use on another typepad site.

*headscratch*

[ILoveHos]

Isn't it obvious, Paris is actually a lesbian. The magic of genetics punches through the momentum of high society social conventions. Although, I think dating some of these guys would be more embrassing then just coming out of the closet.

[MK KUNST]

"personally" i would still fuck simon rex!