Fags Are Gay

I don’t think there’s very much talent involved in gaydar. As far as I’m concerned, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, then, well, it’s a homosexual. But seriously, mannerisms are very telling. So last October when I met a foursome of tote-bag-toting, limp-wristed, effeminate men all dancing to Madonna’s "Holiday," I thought I’d made four new gay boyfriends. They were all wearing black turtlenecks, but they may as well have been swathed in rainbow flags. One of the dudes is even in a queer-friendly band.

But I was to find out that three of the four guys claimed to be straight. You could’ve knocked me over with a feather boa. I still got them to take their clothes off and make out with each other on my couch, while I watched.

It all started at the Warriors Halloween party at Supreme Trading in Williamsburg, where you’re supposed to dress up with your friends as a gang. For instance, people went as Clockwork Orange droogs, sausage links (which actually looked more like used tampons), and Steve Zissou shipmates. Me and mah gurls went as Stepford wives. The dancing foursome we met told us they were supposed to be “art fags.”

We had a lot of fun with those dudes. They bought us drinks, gave us some bumps, and we all shared a joint while dancing the night away. It happened to be daylight savings, so we even got an extra hour added to our night.

When the bar closed, we weren’t ready to call it quits yet, so the gang of four fags, Drunky Brewster and I all went back to my place. At this point, DB and I were still under the impression that the fags were gay. We chuckled on the way back to my place, thinking it was funny that for once we were going home with guys we wouldn’t be hooking up with.

I busted out some vodka and mixers and we somehow managed to get even drunker. One of the dudes mentioned something about how his GF would be pissed that he was out so late. Fabrisha, Calisha and I all burst out laughing. We thought he was joking.

“Girlfriend! Yeah, right!” Fabrisha screeched.

“What do you mean?” the BF responded, brow furrowed.

“Are you telling me you’re not gay?” she said.

“Yes!” He was angry now. That made us laugh harder.

“You made out with me before, though,” chimed in the dude from the band, who was so wasted that his eyes barely opened. Not that it mattered—his bangs were like down to his chin. We were practically peeing our pants at this point.

I regained my composure and said, “I don’t believe it.” Even though I totally did.

“It’s true,” Band Dude slurred.

“Then kiss him right now,” I challenged.

Illustration by Tom Forget

The BF who was so defensive about his sexuality a minute ago practically lept from my kitchen table to make out on the couch with Band Dude. DB and I giggled.

I turned to the other two dudes and said, “Now you guys kiss.” They did.

“Ok, now I want you all to get on the couch and kiss each other at the same time.” They did. This was way too easy. I almost felt guilty. Almost.

The dudes decided to take it horizontal and were stacked on top of each other. Fabrisha, Calisha and I all pulled up chairs across from the couch so we could get a better view of this pancake party.

“Now take off your shirts.” They did.

“Yo, take off his pants,” Calisha instructed, in between bong hits. One of the guys unzipped Band Dude’s jeans and pulled them down. Then we all started laughing. He was wearing Kill Rock Stars hot pants for underwear.

“Way to wear the merch,” one of the fake fags said.

“Yeah, whatever,” said Band Dude. “I think we need some girls to join in here.”

“We’re not gonna get with you,” Fabrisha yelled. “You’re gay!”

For BF guy, that was the last straw. He got up, put his clothes back on and then got in some confusing, boring argument with Fabrisha about how he was straight and she didn’t know what she was talking about. Then he grabbed his purse and left.

Two of his friends followed him out the door.

Band Dude stayed. I think he liked our company—either that or he was just too trashed to not realize that we’d just taken advantage of him. DB and I stayed awake and talked about the night. I said I was a little disappointed at not getting laid that night.

“You still have a chance, girl,” Band Dude informed me, his head lolling back, and his pants down around his ankles.

“Yeah, but you don’t,” I told him.

We decided it would be best if we all just passed out. Band dude took off his hoodie and said, “You see this? Imitation of Christ. It’s worth like $400.” I don’t know why he told me that. I wanted to pretend I didn’t care, but I did. It was actually a really nice hoodie.

I gave DB and Band Dude some pillows and blankets. Band Dude scooped them up and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll make our beds. I’m the Vivienne Westwood of sleep.”

When we woke up, Band Dude was gone. I saw him about four months later at a party. I smiled and waved. He hid behind his bangs and walked the other way.

Comments

[kong]

haha please write a book about your life

[gay]

thats some funny shit right there

[sarah]

Wow, I love pretty muc hevery entry I've read I abt a months worth) but this one made me laugh my ass of the whole time. Damn, I know thes 3 guys that live together and love to make out when they get drunk.... probs gay, yes??

[shannon]

heh...I seriously want your life.
I recently found out that two good straight male friends of mine made out. It was outside of my presence, unfortunately, but I would give my Prada bag to have been there.

[Madame_XXX]

I was a total slut machine tonight so I had to come check in with your site afterward ... you should open up a virutal confession booth.

I feel better now. Still slutty, though. You're fabulous.

[Dick]

What happened to the Friday bathrooms-to-f-in update?

[Devans00]

Too funny!

You should write a column somewhere.....oh wait....

Love the folder name too, tee hee.

[Neocon-pincher]

Oh my God! I would have been so fucking pissed if I had gotten talked out of my clothes and then the girls laugh and say no way.

But then again, no matter how drunk I was, if I kissed a guy -- I'd have to admit I was gay.

I never have understood that. If you say you're NOT GAY -- shouldn't you try to butch it up just a bit? Like maybe avoid the seasonal colors in one's attire and try not to talk like Andy Dick?

[calisha jenkins of DB fame]

let us not forget that the Vivian Westwood of sleep totally made the bed for Breezy out of your dogs blanket! And how he so pretended that none of it happen when we saw him the next time and keep calling him "The Vivian Westwood of Sleep" I love faggotry!

[Liz]

yeah i live in dallas, capitol of not knowing if a dude is gay or not cause of grooming and all around fagottry behavior. trust me i LUV my gays (michael k. and rich j.!)but i remember first moving here and going to a bar alone trying to catch a D sat next to a guy (thought he was a FLAMER) tried to be all "girrrl where's all the cute boys?" he was straight and INSULTED. i ended up going home with home. think we fucked. oh well.

[will!]

please write a book.